I really want to make good on my vow to keep this blog going, but all of this “responsible adult” stuff keeps getting in the way. What kind of world am I living in if all of the things that I need to do to sustain life and keep a roof over my family’s heads get in the way of all the activities that I do for absolutely no reason or payoff whatsoever? A crappy world, that’s for sure! I was supposed to start a blog to get paid for mindless ramblings. HOWEVER, I was informed that I could not receive any sponsors for my mindless ramblings until I mindlessly ramble a lot more, which I would happily (and mindlessly) do if someone were to pay me so that I could have more time to mindlessly ramble! My plan is simple, why can’t everyone else see that? Of course none of this would be an issue at all if someone would just agree to pay me $50,000 a year to come up with fart jokes and to photoshop people’s faces into other pictures and mass email them to the rest of the company. So far, extensive resume…no offers. Fingers crossed, though.
I have also taken an interest in looking at other blogs to possibly get ideas for how to put mine together a bit more efficiently. I thought the best way to do this would be randomly. Not the best plan because the first thing I came across was a blog from a family that was reporting on the death of their pet hamster. The blog had a picture of a young girl holding the small creature who seemed a wee bit petrified (as opposed to all of the lionhearted hamsters that are out there). I was wondering if this little photo shoot may have lead to the untimely demise of this rascally rodent. “Aw, Brittany” –in my mind all little, blonde, yuppyish girls are named Brittany– “he looks so cute when his eyes get big like that! Squeeze him a little tighter for Mommy!”
The follow up click to the “Next Blog” button took me to the blog of a gothic, Victorian transvestite. Take one part Marilyn Manson, one part Marie Antoinette, and one part RuPaul and shake generously in a cement truck full of bricks. Please take a moment to mix this recipe together in your mind…go ahead, I’ll wait…
Better? Good. Welcome back. So, in only two simple clicks we’ve gone through dead hamsters and took the express lane to transvestites. That sounds like the chorus of The Muppets’ “Rainbow Connection,” doesn’t it?
♪♩♫ “Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, Dead Hamsters, Transvestites, and me!” ♫♩♪
Now, what could possibly come next?! If you guessed a woman who blogged and posted photos of EVERY gift she got at her baby shower, YOU WIN! Who does that?! I mean, there are people who don’t want to look at pictures of a stranger’s actual baby! I don’t think there is a sane person alive who is fishing through the blogosphere hoping and praying with all their might that they randomly stumble across an unabridged, annotated guide to someone else’s baby shower presents. Now what am I supposed to do with that information? I feel obligated to buy something this woman didn’t get and carry it with me at all times on the off chance I bump into her somewhere. “Oh thank God I finally found you! I’ve searched for you for years! I have something for you, sure your child just graduated from high school, but I found these ‘Mommy’s Little Attention Magnet’ onsies I thought you would love!”
The “Next Button” escapades just kept the jackpots a-rolling! My next stop featured a post by a distraught poet who wrote a piece lamenting a moth he inadvertently injured. After his short, repentant ode (in blank verse of course, that’s classiest and most heartfelt), he wrote a short prose dialogue updating his readers on the condition of the injured insect and made a public apology for his negligence and a wish for the moth’s speedy recovery. You can’t make this stuff up!!!
Unfortunately, the next seventeen blogs I went to were all written in various dialects of Spanish. I really wish I didn’t take (and moderately pass) French in high school because some of those blogs looked way cooler than mine! There was one with a Zombie movie poster whose title (if I translated it right using my knowledge of another European language – France is close to Spain after all) was something like “Hot Dead Fish.” They should plan a sequel entitled “HÁMSTER MUERTO DEL BRITTANY” starring an undead rodent and his crippled moth sidekick who are hellbent on revenge. I’d go see that.
“The internet is a good way to get on the net.” ~ Bob Dole