Technically They Didn’t Warn Me

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…when we last left our hero (me), he (I) was making sure that no one in the orthopedic specialist’s office missed him (me) when he (I) left.

I was not a good patient when I was younger – not in the least.  I was the kind of patient that they gave workshops about when nurses are being trained.  I have since gotten much better, but I was completely different in my youth.  I also did some very stupid things.  Things I never told my parents about.  Things that they will most likely find out by reading today’s blog post.  Can you still get grounded when you’re in your 30’s?  Oh well, no sense worrying about that now – here we go.

I had been living with my cast for about a month and I had gotten pretty used to it – it wasn’t really holding me back much.  Writing was still a bit difficult, but even that was manageable.  One thing that it didn’t stop me from doing was playing video games and my friend had some really cool ones that I didn’t.  So, like most days, I went over to his house after school.  I always had a great time over at his house: cool video games, plenty of junk food, a very short walk from school – perfect!  However, the exception to the good times was when he was on the phone.  This boy could talk.  I have never met anyone, A-NY-ONE, that can chat on the phone longer than this guy – it was really ridiculous.

So there I was, waiting for him to get off the phone so we could play games together.  I mean, really?  You have a guest!  Check your etiquette handbooks- not cool, sir, not cool.  So after a decent amount of time, which knowing me, was probably two to three minutes, I decided to start doing stupid things to annoy the crap out of him until he hung up the phone.  I was dancing, making stupid voices, gargling, and I even remember throwing myself down his stairs a couple times (yeah, I know, a brilliant idea since I already had once fractured limb – you don’t know me, I do what I want!) trying to get him to hang up the phone!

***You see you young whippersnappers, “Hanging up the phone” means turning the phone off.  Back in the day there were two pieces to a phone attached by a fun, springy cord that you could whap your little sister in the face with if you timed it just right.  If you put the talky part back on the dialy part, you were “hanging up.”  Now you damn kids get off my lawn!***

I finally decided that I would get his attention by threatening to light a Kleenex on fire.  (Stop shaking your head so judgmentally – I already acknowledge that these were “stupid things” – besides I was just “threatening” I wasn’t “actually” going to do it)  I had one of those long barbecue grill lighters and the fire was far away from the Kleenex, no chance of it catching fire.  Sheesh, I’m not THAT stupid!  Then I upped the “wow factor” by doing a quick swipe of the flame by the Kleenex (stop judging Judgey McJudgerson – why don’t you go say hello to the skeletons in your closet?!!) and I was surprised to find out that a quick swipe will heat up the aloe on the tissue and that it turns into light green vapor (see, would you have learned that if I didn’t do this?  No.  You’re welcome).

Now, I forgot that my friend was even on the phone, I was too mesmerized by the green aloe vapor.  It was like a tiny herbal genie popping out of the lamp!  It would have been great if it had been an actual genie because I would have wished for Kleenex to be infused with an endless supply of aloe.  Alas, that was not the case and after a half dozen passes, the little green poofs were no more.  Another fun science fact, once the aloe is gone, the Kleenex cannot handle any more quick swipes…

FOOM!

The Kleenex was ablaze.

Now we find ourselves in a good news/bad news situation.  Yeah, sure, I had just lit a fire in my hand.  BUT, glass half full, my friend hung up the phone!

I did what any logical person would do if they had a handful of flaming snotrag – try to run to the kitchen and put it in the sink.  This would have worked if I was already by the sink.  Or in the same room as the sink.  Or within 50 feet of the sink.  Impressively, I made it four whole steps before it got too hot and I dropped it…on his cat.

Now we find ourselves in a good news/bad news situation.  Yeah, sure, I had just singed the cat’s eyebrows off.  BUT, glass half full…well…um…I got nothing.

The fire landed on the carpet and I did what any logical person would do if a flaming snotrag just bounced off a cat and landed on the carpet – I tried to beat the fire out…with my cast.  IN MY DEFENSE the doctor told me not to get the cast wet!  HE SAID NOTHING about keeping it away from open flame!

Now we find ourselves in a good news/bad news situation.  I successfully put the fire out with minimal charring of the rug.  However, my arm was “technically” on fire.

I did what any logical person would do if they had just heroically saved the carpet only to find they have a flaming appendage – finish running to the sink and put the cast under water.  Okay, the doctor did say not to get it wet – that one is on me, my bad.

Now we find ourselves…aw, screw it – we had a major problem on our hands.  We had a burn mark on the carpet, a cat with no eyebrows, and a slowly disintegrating cast.  Fortunately the only thing my friend was better at than jabbering on the phone was coming up with the wildest, most asinine stories ever and selling them better than a politician wearing a mask in a high-stakes poker game (the dude was good).  He concocted a story that his sister must have been smoking in the house again (she was much older and had been told numerous times not to do this by their mother) and the cat was playing with the lighter, knocked it to the floor, got her paw on the trigger, and lit it.  Furthermore, I tried to put it out, but my cast caught fire because I’m a moron (so it wasn’t a complete lie).

Now we find ourselves in a good news/better news situation.  Not only did his mom buy it, but she actually yelled at his sister!

So, the moral of the story.  Don’t waste your time talking on the phone when you have a guest.

“Bad decisions make good stories.” ~ Ellis Vidler

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