Let’s try something new – Top 10 list time…
There are many things that have come around that have made our lives infinitely more convenient: the wheel, fire, Kit Kats. On the other hand there are other things whose existence should never have cursed our world. Here are my 10:
For those of you who have been keeping up on my blog, you knew these would make an appearance. They’re the freaking anti-Christ! For those of you who are new to my feelings toward these abominations, read this.
9. Banana Caddy
I can count on my elbow the number of times I needed a fake banana to hold my banana. It’s supposed to protect your daily dose of potassium from getting bruised in your lunch bag. Seriously, what kind of gauntlet do you run through on your way to work? I didn’t know you carried a sack lunch with you during a roller derby! Your banana doesn’t have aspirations to be Iron Man, you’re not going to kick it along the ground the entire way to work, and it’s not going to catch some weird banana-born STD from your coworkers bananas who have lived sordid pasts in the red light district of the produce section. It’s a banana – peel it (from the bottom, like monkeys do, it’s the proper way), eat it, and move on with your life.
8. Burger King Cologne
I’ve been out of the dating game for a while. However, I don’t remember ever getting ready to go out during my bachelor days and thinking, “I wish I could smell like cheap meat.” Steak? Prime Rib? Brisket? Naw…I want flame broiled grease patties from the dollar menu – how can I slather myself in that stanky goodness? If only someone would bottle the essence of “L’eau du Whopper” so I could stop wiping these used wrappers all over my Adonis-like physique! But look out ladies – my prayers have been answered and you will no longer be able to resist me. You’re all in luck tonight, there’s a new item on the dollar menu: it’s me with a Super-Sized side of love. Rawrrrr.
7. Child Leashes
Nothing says, “My child is the monkey on my back” like this monkey on his back. Now you can have all the fun of watching a dog sprint to the end of their chain without worrying about PETA getting on your case! You can read the backs of your boxes of soy-free organic wheat germ toast points while your little hellion plays human tetherball with your legs. I get it, really I do, parenting is tough. Especially when you have a rambunctious little tyke. It’s God’s fault really – he didn’t equip children with anything to hold onto while we walk…oh wait.
6. Autoflush Toilets
Because this is when you need something playing with your anxiety – a robot with an electric eye to help you drop a deuce. First of all, there should be nothing with the word “eye” in it anywhere near your bare keister! Second, you are a horrible, wretched, ghastly human being if you need help remembering to FLUSH!!! What are you- a monkey?!! (third monkey reference so far, for those of you keeping score) Are you planning on saving it to throw at someone later?!! Flush the damn toilet! I don’t want to stand up and have the thing malfunction leaving me to figure out how to manually flush a handleless toilet! Nor do I want to shift (read carefully, I said shiFt) and have it prematurely flush causing splashage on the no-nos. Automatic faucets, fine. Soap dispensers, cool. Hand dryers, more power to ya’. But toilets? No sir, good day to you!
5. Sucker Spinner
I’m not going to waste much time discussing this one. If you are too busy to manually eat your own sucker, you need to loosen up your schedule a bit. If you are too lazy to manually eat your own sucker, you are probably well on your way to Type-2 diabetes and you probably shouldn’t be eating that sucker in the first place.
4. Stupid Self-Shut-Off Faucets
I don’t even know if this asinine bit of plumbing even has an actual name! You know these: you push down the knob and the water turns on and you have about a millisecond to wash your hands. When I wash my hands, I want to be clean – I don’t need a test of my reflexes and dexterity! I want water to come out of the faucet and continue to do so until the job is done! What’s next – poke holes in the bucket coming out of the well? Slowly close the holes in the shower head? There is a special place in Hell for the practical joker who brought this idea into fruition!
No. Just no.
2. Butthole Charms
Do you get distracted when you’re out for a walk and you can’t stop staring at a dog’s butthole? Yeah, me neither. The proper name for these backdoor doodads is Rear Gear, but let’s call it what it is, it’s a sphincter cover. Who wanted to save people from seeing a pooch’s whale eye by creating something that draws even more attention to it?!! And let’s address the elephant in the room shall we…you know what’s it’s covering, right? You know that thing has a purpose, right? You know that purpose is usually in full effect when you take your dog outside, right? So….what happens to this little butt necklace (buttlace?) when it comes time for Fido to do his business? Are you going to tell him to wait until you undo his little charm? I’d actually love to see people who bought this product engaging in that race against time and nature and see the realization come across their face as they wish with all their might that they didn’t use a double knot to tie that on their puppy’s tail.
1. Selfie Sticks
Did you know the number of selfie stick related deaths outnumbered the shark related deaths in 2015? So not only are selfie sticks more dangerous than sharks, they are also upsetting our delicate ecosystem by depriving sharks of some of their food (if you think about that long enough, it starts to make sense). We get it. You love looking at your own face. But what would be even nicer is if you could capture more of your narcissistic self in that pic, but DAGNABBIT your arms just aren’t long enough. Lucky for you, someone capitalized on all of your duckfaced goodness and made you a telescoping rod to make sure you never miss a second of seeing things you are already living through. I remember when I was a lad, we had a similar device that was perfect for taking pictures of you from a reasonable distance – we called it “other people holding the damn camera.” Trust me, it works. So weird.