Mooooove Over Jaws

My family LOVES Shark Week on the Discovery Channel!  We have no reason why – we just do!  We don’t live by the ocean, we aren’t big marine animal fanatics, we rarely even go fishing.  But we tune in every year and we go all out with shark themed foods and drinks, we sport temporary shark tattoos, we wear shark clothes, we watch while we snack on Goldfish crackers.

Growing up I always had a fear of sharks – but I never went into the ocean.  I lived by a lake and I was sure I saw shark fins cutting through the surface of the water.  My cousin had a pool – yup, sharks in the deep end. Now, watching all these shark programs I totally understand why people would be scared of these creatures!  They are the most badass animal around!  Strong, fast, resilient, ridiculously smart – I love this animal but if I ever saw one out in their natural habitat, I’d freak out even though I know I shouldn’t.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, they usually don’t attack people on purpose – they mistake us for seals.  So, I got to wondering how many mistakes do sharks make a year.  Good ol’ Google told me: 19.  Only 19 people are killed by sharks in an average year.

But did this hold my attention?  No.  My eyes were caught by another article a couple lines down.  Apparently, according to the CDC, my childhood fear was misplaced for there is a much more dangerous predator in our midst.

Moo cows.

Cows, on average, are responsible for the deaths of 22 people every year and this is the part that really got me – 75% of these deaths are DELIBERATE ON THE PART OF THE COWS!!  And some of those were the result of people getting ganged up on by the cows!  COW GANGS JUMP PEOPLE!

Sure, I get it – some people do the running of the bull – that’s stupid. Some people jump into the pasture and mess with the cows – they’ve got it coming.  But, I’m not just talking about those people – there was a guy in England who was just walking and a cow just decided to attack him! This gives a whole new meaning to “mad cow.”

Not to cheapen the tragedy in either situation – but if I got to choose between the two ways to die, I’m going to have to go with shark.  I wouldn’t last long with a shark and I probably wouldn’t know what hit me.  But a COW?!!  That sucker isn’t going to sneak up on me!  I am going to see that guy coming for a long time and he will eventually outrun me. And then he’s not going to use hundreds of razor sharp teeth to tear me apart – he’s going to hop up and down on me for a while!  And have you ever smelled a cow?!!  That is the last thing I’d smell – I wouldn’t smell a shark.  And look at a shark – that is a cool looking animal.  The last thing I would see would be this awesome looking monster pulling me under the water in the middle of the ocean surrounded by other sea life.  A cow has to be one of the dopiest looking animals on the planet.  So the last thing I would experience would be this two ton smelly, dorky-looking animal jumping on me in the middle of a field surrounded by piles of my attacker’s poop.  And what about my loved ones?  They’d have to explain my demise!

“Oh my God, how sad.  How did he die?”

“Shark attack.”

“Whoa…”

Versus:

“Oh my God, how sad.  How did he die?”

“Cow attack.”

“….no really.  Was he sick?”

“*sigh* Nope.  Jumped by a cow.”

“Oh…well, that’s…sad………. Like a moo cow kind of cow?  Milk and burgers?”

There’s no way anyone would take me seriously in Heaven except the other dude who got jumped by a cow.  We’d get pretty close quickly.

I think we should have a Cow Week just like we have Shark Week and have them treat it the same way.  Scientists tagging cows and tracking their movement – they’ll probably be in the same spot where they left them. And, I suppose there aren’t many elusive species of cows that they need to try and track down….okay, this is starting to sound like it might not be my best idea.

“My cow is not pretty, but it is pretty to me.” ~ David Lynch

Top Ten Foods That Will Probably Kill You As Soon As You Eat Them

It’s been a couple weeks but Top Ten Tuesday is back!  The idea for this list popped into my head as I was driving around on my lunch break. Now, I’m very conscious about what I eat – I try to make good choices.  I still have my guilty pleasure meals once in a while, but for the most part I try to be healthy ever since I caught a mild case of near death experience.  However, I am far from a “food Nazi.”  If you want to eat something, I’m not going to guilt you by talking about fat content or sodium – everyone needs to make their own decisions.  If we’re ever out to eat together, you can order anything you want and I won’t judge you at all…

…unless you order these.  These are just stupid.  These are going to kill you as soon as you eat them.

10.  Candy Corn  Candy-Corn

Someone mixed sugar and wax and made a million dollars overnight. These little Halloween-themed bits of yuck lure you in with their pretty colors and novelty – they even try to trick you into thinking they’re an acceptable food with the whole “corn” ruse.  Candy corn is neither candy, nor corn – they are sugary crayon tips that never expire.  NEVER EXPIRE!!! Nothing immortal should be eaten!  Rocks.  Uranium.  Candy corn.  None should be eaten.

9.  Jello Salad  unnamed

You start with salad – lettuce, cucumbers, shredded carrots.  A good healthy choice.  You add lime jello – okay that’s a little weird, not the direction I would go in but people put fruit in jello so other produce isn’t too far fetched.  And you finish with a dollop of mayonnaise – what in the actual hell? No, just no.  How bad were your munchies when you decided to make this combination?  There are way too many contradicting elements in here. This plate of gross has an extra level of evil because you’re used to seeing jello with whipped cream.  Whipped cream looks like mayonnaise.  This is the work of Satan.

8. Fugu Fugu_sashimi

I love fish. Big seafood lover. But this stuff?  This is just stupid!  It’s pufferfish sushi.  Pufferfish are toxic.  Not like food poisoning toxic.  Not like allergic reaction toxic.  We’re talking, blood pressure dropping, paralysis inducing, heart stopping TOXIC!  It takes a sushi chef three years of training with this fish alone to know how to avoid the poisonous parts so you don’t drop $200 on a plate of “eat-me-and-die.”  Sure, they know what they’re doing.  Sure, I’d probably be fine.  But I’m almost 100% sure that my taco is not going to kill me.

7.  Mac n’ Cheetos mac-n-cheetos

This is what I saw as I drove around today and my only reaction was, “Why?”  First of all, don’t mess with Cheetos.  Whoever started their idea with, “You know what would make Cheetos even better?” should have had the lack of taste slapped out of their Cheeto hating Burger-hole before they could finish their thought. NOTHING.  The answer is NOTHING!  On the seventh day, God rested.  Then on the eighth he jumped right back into work and made Cheetos.  Who hollows out a Cheeto, stuffs it with macaroni and cheese (something else that needs no improvement), and then deep fries them?!!  Not since Burger King introduced that creepy king mascot have I cringed so hard as I drove by their “restaurant.”  Aw yeah, that’s right, this misstep has caused me to put quotes around the word restaurant.

6. Fried Beer tumblr_lifsiwN0w01qi2ijgo1_500

To the surprise of no one, these were born in Texas.  It’s like they thought, “How can we outdo George Dubya on our list of bad ideas?  I know let’s make some pretzel raviolis stuffed with some weird beer jelly crap!”  Fried beer.  FRIED.  BEER.  Deep fried beverage!  How bored do you need to be to figure out how to turn a drinkable liquid that’s bad for you into a chewable solid that’s worse for you?  Attention Charles Darwin: your theory has been disproved.  There is no way some of your “fittest” survived long enough to create these.

5. Grilled Cheese Burger  grilled_cheese_burger_friendlys

I love grilled cheese.  I love burgers.  But I love my arteries and I can almost hear their little Watership Down, terrified bunny screams that they would squeak out with every bite of this culinary bad idea.  Sandwiches are made WITH bread; sandwiches are not THE bread.  I can see how that can get confusing.

4.  Big n’ Cheesy MacAttack-746506

Total disclosure – this is not an actual picture of the McDonald’s Big n’ Cheesy.  It’s like McDonald’s wiped the memory of this atrocity from the world’s memory.  The actual burger came out near the turn of the century and consisted of a quadruple cheeseburger.  A new foam-lined, vaulted box needed to be created to accommodate this grease-ridden behemoth.  I admit that my coworkers and I were some of the first in line to grab these when they came out.  The bottom bun disintegrated, the first bite squished and a waterfall of grease poured out the back, most of us never took a second bite.  McBad McIdea.

3.  Luther Burger luther-burger-doughnut-burger-t.j.-mulligans

A reported favorite of legendary singer, Luther Vandross, it’s a simple bacon cheeseburger…with two Krispy Kreme donuts in lieu of a bun.  In some of its most basic forms it can still tip the scale at 1,500 calories.  You know what else is 1,500 calories?  The vast majority of what you’re supposed to consume in a given day.  You can’t use the “sum of its parts motto” with food.  Burger?  Yay.  Krispy Kremes?  Yay.  Together? Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep (that was the heart monitor). Unfortunately, Mr. Vandross passed away in a car accident before he could read my blog….Nah, just kidding.  It was complications from diabetes and hypertension.

2. Deep Fried Butter ht_fried_butter_jp_110811_wmain

Seriously?!!  SERIOUSLY?!!!  Sure, just about everyone likes butter.  But how many look at a stick of butter and think, “I’m just gonna chow down on this whole thing.”  That would taste ridiculously horrible.  But if we batter it and fry it in oil, all of a sudden it’s a fair ground delicacy!  You should NEVER eat a whole stick of butter.  Nor should you ever do anything to improve the taste of raw butter so that you CAN eat a whole stick of butter!

1.  Hot Brown hot-brown-tousey-house

I apologize to my family in Kentucky – I love you all dearly, I truly do, but this is the biggest pile of death inducing grossness ever compiled on one plate.  Do you know what it is?  It’s a turkey sandwich.  I kept this picture full sized so you can get a close look.  THAT is a turkey sandwich!  Can’t see it?  Move the tomato and the bacon and the BRICK OF CHEESE!  What kind of cheese?  DOESN’T MATTER!  IT’S A BRICK!  I’ve tried this – I hate tomatoes and I love cheese but I started eating the tomatoes just to kill the cheese flavor that was assaulting me!  There was so much cheese there was a layer of cheese grease floating to the surface and drowning everything.  It gets its name from its creation at the famous Brown Hotel but, if you’ve ever eaten it, you know the real reason why that is the perfect name for this innard-rotting concoction.

“Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.” ~ Mark Twain

Something Fishy About My Spirit

There are tons of time wasting Facebook quizzes out there and, yes, I’ve wasted A LOT of time on them.  What superhero are you?  What Walking Dead character are you?  What Hogwarts house should you live in?  What Disney princess are you?

…don’t judge…

I’ve taken more than I can remember and I don’t even know why I do these ridiculous things.  I’ve never finished one, saw the results, and jumped up joyously cheering and giving a solid high five to my bro sitting next to me…mainly because I don’t live in a frat house.

…Tinkerbell, by the way…

I’ve never reevaluated my life because I found out that I would be the green bean casserole if I was a Thanksgiving side dish when deep down I felt like I was a yam.  I’ve never updated my resume with the newfound information gleaned about the color of my aura.  Knowing what internet meme I am has done nothing to improve my quality of life in any way.

But today I think I’ve hit an all-time low.  I took a quiz about what my Spirit Animal would be.  Seemed pretty harmless.  How could I get a bad animal?  I mean, when I think about Spirit Animals I think about Native Americans and the animals that played important roles in their culture. Wolves.  Eagles.  Bison.  Deer.  Bear.  Those are cool animals.  As I’m answering the questions, I’m trying to gauge my answers to guess where they might point.  I realize I’m not a warrior type guy; not what you would call overly macho…okay, I’m kind of a pansy.  I got Tinkerbell for God’s sake!  I resolve my thinking that I am going to end up as a rabbit or a turtle or one of the other meeker woodland creatures and I’m cool with that.  They all have their roles to play in the world.  A few screens of questions later and I hit the submit button.

A nifty looking icon started spinning as it calculated my results.

And my spirit animal is…

The salmon.

….

The.  Salmon.

Who the hell’s spirit is represented by a friggin’ salmon?!!  I’m a hard worker: I thought I could be a beaver.  I’m quick witted: I could have been a fox.  I’m thoughtful: I would make a pretty sweet owl.  But apparently the internet gods have sensed that I am abundant in Omega-3 fatty acids.

“But, they swim upstream, up waterfalls if need be, to spawn – that’s determination!  That’s drive!  That’s…”

Hush yo’ mouth!  That’s STUPID is what that is!  First of all – who “spawns?”  Even in the animal world that’s a gross word!  “Oh it’s kitten spawning season again!”  “Did you see all the baby otters that were just spawned?”  NO!  Only salmon.

And what’s wrong with spawning right where you are?  What other animal is that picky and dumb?!!  “Oh it must be mating season again, the goats are working their way to the top of the windmill.”  NO!!!  ONLY SALMON!!!

Do you know who thinks the whole upstream thing is a good idea?  Bears. It’s like going to McDonalds, not paying, and just having the people behind the counter with the goofy little sun visors (ever think about that? they’re indoors…) just pitch the McNuggets into your open mouth.  Has anyone ever been so focused that they didn’t notice a DAMN BEAR?!! Sure, a bear would have been an awesome Spirit Animal, but they’re far from the stealthy ninjas of the forest.  They’re 1,500 pounds of lumbering fur! Do they sneak up on a lot of creatures?  NNNOOO!!!  ONLY THE FLIPPIN’ SALMON!!!

If Michael Phelps could keep from bonking his head on the pool wall after Cheech and Chonging, how can that salmon not see Winnie the Pooh standing on top of a waterfall waiting to nom its face?!!

The only time I’m a fan of salmon is at dinner.  I like it.  I honestly do. You know who doesn’t?  Most people who like fish!  My son and my grandmother are the two biggest seafood addicts I know.  We can’t leave Red Lobster with my son spending less than $40 on something that uses words like “Ultimate” and/or “Feast.”  My Nana will take down almost anything that used to swim – eels, squid, snails…all good to her.  Neither one of them will touch salmon.  I don’t know of many others that LIKE salmon besides bears and me!  Which is just more proof my spirit animal should be the bear, not its snack.

So, long story short, you be whatever you want to be!  Don’t let those internet tests tell you what you are!  I’m Deadpool – not Aquaman (the salmon of superheroes).  I’m Glenn – not Carl.  I’m in Gryffindor – not Slytherin.  My aura is green – not clear (seriously, I got clear as my color). And, ABOVE ALL, I am ANYTHING but a salmon!

…I’m probably Tinkerbell though…that seems pretty accurate.

“Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person.  Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.” ~ unknown

Top Ten Job Opportunities We “Need” Filled Immediately

I just lost a filling.  I’m not surprised seeing as though my last trip to the dentist was far from enjoyable (even by trip-to-dentist standards). It’s going to be a little while before I can get to see my new dentist to fill this gaping hole in my molar, so I ran to the drug store and bought some temporary filling goop (pretty sure that’s the ADA approved term for this stuff). After two attempts that failed miserably, I squatted down and had my wife give it a shot (come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing her wash her hands). It feels okay, but she’s far from a professional. That’s when I got to thinking, THERE’S a job we need someone to come up with and, just like that, this week’s Top Ten Tuesday was born.

10.  In-Home Dentists

If you have a leaking pipe, do you bring it to the plumber?  No!  They come to your house and fix it!  Your dentist has all those crazy tools, but how many of them do they really use on you?  No more than can fit in a tool bag, I would bet.  So when I’m dealing with a lost filling, why do I have to take a day off, go to their office, sit for who knows how long, and then stare at the ceiling while they work?  I should be sitting on my couch waiting for a dentist to show up like the cable company.  Numb me, drill and fill, and charge me for parts and an hour of labor.  I can even watch a baseball game while you work…okay, I’d probably be watching Buffy or something, but baseball just sounded manlier.

9.  Shoe Exchange Stations

I HATE shopping for shoes.  I don’t care about brands.  I want something that 1) fits, 2) is inexpensive, and 3) doesn’t look too stupid. And I don’t want to deal with all the packaging OR the old ratty pair I’m replacing.  Seriously, why do I have to bring these home with me?! They’re the reason I’m buying new shoes to begin with.  So I think we need a place we go and hand them our old shoes and they give us a new pair that’s comparable to the old ones.  You try them on, you pay, you go home.  No left over shoebox or packing tissue.  No goofy “pre-lacing” shoelace patterns to undo and re-lace.  No “new pair” of yardwork shoes to add to the pile of other hole-riddled footwear you keep in the garage. Just a replacement.  Like at a bowling alley except you don’t trade back…and the shoes won’t look like the “franken-cars” that had pieces replaced with stuff from other cars of different colors, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  I don’t judge.  They’re your feet and I’m not Rex Ryan so I couldn’t care less.

8.  Veggie Chopper

You go to the deli counter and there is someone there to cut the cheese (*snicker, snicker*) just the way you like it.  You go to the meat counter and they’ll trim steaks just the way you want them or debone a chicken if you don’t like your chickens boney (*teeheehee*).  You can even go to the seafood department and have them take care of your crabs (I’m not mature enough to do the grocery shopping).  But there is no one in the produce section or farmers markets to prep your produce!  If you are trying to eat healthier, you need more fruits and vegetables.  But it is such a pain to wash and chop everything to cook!  We need someone you can hand things to and say, “I need three Xs and Ys washed and cubed and half a pound of peeled Zs, please.”  I’m sure there are dirty things about the produce section too, but I’m getting kind of tired.  Feel free to leave tasteless produce humor in the comments.

7.  Spam Cleaner

When I check my phone, rarely do I see my email inbox empty.  And when I go to check my messages, most of the time it’s garbage that my Spam filter doesn’t catch.  I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have this problem!  NO, you don’t need to refinance your mortgage!  NO, signing that petition won’t force Walmart to implement a dress code!  NO, “hot local singles” are NOT looking to hook up with you (now, if you’re actually single and so desperate you’re looking for random email for a date you might want to gravitate toward subject lines like “local singles with dramatically lowered expectations would tolerate you”)!  What we need is someone trustworthy who would get a “ding” every time we get a message and would take care of deleting it unless it’s something we ACTUALLY needed to read.  Like the South African banker who will make you millions if you transfer him $1000.

6.  List Marker

Do you know how many more things I could get done on my to-do list if I didn’t have to waste time making my to-do list?  Okay, probably only one…but I just really hate making to-do lists.

5.  Post Filter

We have become a culture of over-sharers.  Not everything we say needs to be said.  Now, I’m not one for all of the “Oh let’s be P.C. about this…” or “Someone might get offended…” – I totally agree that people need some thicker skin and if you see something you disagree with, but it really has no major influence on anyone’s life, just let it go.  However, if you’re starting a post with “I’ll probably lose friends over this, but…” or “I don’t care who gets mad…” or “To all you haters out there…” or “Imma do me an’ if you gotta problem wit dat…” you are about to say something very stupid (and you need serious grammatical help).  It would be money well spent for some people to hire a professional who would get all the posts, status updates, and photos before they get uploaded.  If you’re someone who posts things like “Happy birthday, Mom” or “TGIF” on a regular basis, you’re probably okay (except you probably shouldn’t wish your mother a happy birthday on a regular basis because that most likely means you’re not quite sure when the actual day is).  But if you’re someone who is prone to posting things like “Last night of freedom before I open my daycare.  Who wants to meet me for shots?” or “Me and my Aunt Gertrude.  Miss you, Auntie. #funeralselfie #didntwakeuplikethis” – you should probably hope someone starts a business like this PDQ.

4.  Dog Rental

I have a problem.  I REALLY love dogs but I have REALLY questionable responsibility.  I don’t have the time to devote to a dog, but I want to pet and hug EVERY dog I see going out for walks or sitting on porches.  I don’t want to volunteer at shelters because I also have REALLY bad impulse control issues and judgement, so I would fall in love and adopt EVERY cat and dog in the place.  So I just need someone who would raise dogs and care for them responsibly, but would also rent them out by the hour so I could just play and snuggle with the pooch for a while and then we go back to our separate routines.  I think I just described an escort service…

3.  Impartial Judge

Because I know I’m right and sometimes I just need to be able to call someone and prove it, that’s why!

2.  Common Sense Advisor

Much like the Post Filter, this is someone who would be placed in most places of business whose sole purpose is to look at people and tell them, “No, don’t do that.  That’s dumb.”  When you jam the copier and try to leave it, they stand in the door and say, “You break it, you fix it.”  When someone takes something out of the communal fridge that has someone else’s name on it this person would stare daggers at them until they put the food back.  When the boss has a super important meeting on a topic that is presented on a 5-slide PowerPoint, it is this person’s job to say, “Uh-uh.  That’s not a meeting, that’s an email.”  And if the boss actually DOES have a super important meeting and at the end asks if there any questions and someone raises their hand to ask about something that pertains to NO ONE but them, it is this person’s GOD-GIVEN DUTY to smack that person on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, “NO!”

1.  Coffee/Breakfast Delivery

If you’re home and you don’t want to cook or go out – you order pizza. If you’re at work and you want to order a Friday lunch – you order some subs.  But what if you want an omelette?  Or a donut?  Or how about just a midday pick-me-up cup o’ Joe?  Why can you get lunch and dinner delivered, but you have to go out for breakfast?  Why can pizza places and delis make you a milkshake or bring you a 2 liter, but Starbucks can’t run you over some cappuccino?  “But the coffee will get cold and the eggs will get all rubbery!”  Yeah, I know!  But what do you want me to do about it?!  I’m just a writer – you need to figure it out and bring me some over-easies, rye, and coffee!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ~ Homer Simpson