There are tons of time wasting Facebook quizzes out there and, yes, I’ve wasted A LOT of time on them. What superhero are you? What Walking Dead character are you? What Hogwarts house should you live in? What Disney princess are you?
I’ve taken more than I can remember and I don’t even know why I do these ridiculous things. I’ve never finished one, saw the results, and jumped up joyously cheering and giving a solid high five to my bro sitting next to me…mainly because I don’t live in a frat house.
…Tinkerbell, by the way…
I’ve never reevaluated my life because I found out that I would be the green bean casserole if I was a Thanksgiving side dish when deep down I felt like I was a yam. I’ve never updated my resume with the newfound information gleaned about the color of my aura. Knowing what internet meme I am has done nothing to improve my quality of life in any way.
But today I think I’ve hit an all-time low. I took a quiz about what my Spirit Animal would be. Seemed pretty harmless. How could I get a bad animal? I mean, when I think about Spirit Animals I think about Native Americans and the animals that played important roles in their culture. Wolves. Eagles. Bison. Deer. Bear. Those are cool animals. As I’m answering the questions, I’m trying to gauge my answers to guess where they might point. I realize I’m not a warrior type guy; not what you would call overly macho…okay, I’m kind of a pansy. I got Tinkerbell for God’s sake! I resolve my thinking that I am going to end up as a rabbit or a turtle or one of the other meeker woodland creatures and I’m cool with that. They all have their roles to play in the world. A few screens of questions later and I hit the submit button.
A nifty looking icon started spinning as it calculated my results.
And my spirit animal is…
Who the hell’s spirit is represented by a friggin’ salmon?!! I’m a hard worker: I thought I could be a beaver. I’m quick witted: I could have been a fox. I’m thoughtful: I would make a pretty sweet owl. But apparently the internet gods have sensed that I am abundant in Omega-3 fatty acids.
“But, they swim upstream, up waterfalls if need be, to spawn – that’s determination! That’s drive! That’s…”
Hush yo’ mouth! That’s STUPID is what that is! First of all – who “spawns?” Even in the animal world that’s a gross word! “Oh it’s kitten spawning season again!” “Did you see all the baby otters that were just spawned?” NO! Only salmon.
And what’s wrong with spawning right where you are? What other animal is that picky and dumb?!! “Oh it must be mating season again, the goats are working their way to the top of the windmill.” NO!!! ONLY SALMON!!!
Do you know who thinks the whole upstream thing is a good idea? Bears. It’s like going to McDonalds, not paying, and just having the people behind the counter with the goofy little sun visors (ever think about that? they’re indoors…) just pitch the McNuggets into your open mouth. Has anyone ever been so focused that they didn’t notice a DAMN BEAR?!! Sure, a bear would have been an awesome Spirit Animal, but they’re far from the stealthy ninjas of the forest. They’re 1,500 pounds of lumbering fur! Do they sneak up on a lot of creatures? NNNOOO!!! ONLY THE FLIPPIN’ SALMON!!!
If Michael Phelps could keep from bonking his head on the pool wall after Cheech and Chonging, how can that salmon not see Winnie the Pooh standing on top of a waterfall waiting to nom its face?!!
The only time I’m a fan of salmon is at dinner. I like it. I honestly do. You know who doesn’t? Most people who like fish! My son and my grandmother are the two biggest seafood addicts I know. We can’t leave Red Lobster with my son spending less than $40 on something that uses words like “Ultimate” and/or “Feast.” My Nana will take down almost anything that used to swim – eels, squid, snails…all good to her. Neither one of them will touch salmon. I don’t know of many others that LIKE salmon besides bears and me! Which is just more proof my spirit animal should be the bear, not its snack.
So, long story short, you be whatever you want to be! Don’t let those internet tests tell you what you are! I’m Deadpool – not Aquaman (the salmon of superheroes). I’m Glenn – not Carl. I’m in Gryffindor – not Slytherin. My aura is green – not clear (seriously, I got clear as my color). And, ABOVE ALL, I am ANYTHING but a salmon!
…I’m probably Tinkerbell though…that seems pretty accurate.
“Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.” ~ unknown