Mooooove Over Jaws

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My family LOVES Shark Week on the Discovery Channel!  We have no reason why – we just do!  We don’t live by the ocean, we aren’t big marine animal fanatics, we rarely even go fishing.  But we tune in every year and we go all out with shark themed foods and drinks, we sport temporary shark tattoos, we wear shark clothes, we watch while we snack on Goldfish crackers.

Growing up I always had a fear of sharks – but I never went into the ocean.  I lived by a lake and I was sure I saw shark fins cutting through the surface of the water.  My cousin had a pool – yup, sharks in the deep end. Now, watching all these shark programs I totally understand why people would be scared of these creatures!  They are the most badass animal around!  Strong, fast, resilient, ridiculously smart – I love this animal but if I ever saw one out in their natural habitat, I’d freak out even though I know I shouldn’t.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, they usually don’t attack people on purpose – they mistake us for seals.  So, I got to wondering how many mistakes do sharks make a year.  Good ol’ Google told me: 19.  Only 19 people are killed by sharks in an average year.

But did this hold my attention?  No.  My eyes were caught by another article a couple lines down.  Apparently, according to the CDC, my childhood fear was misplaced for there is a much more dangerous predator in our midst.

Moo cows.

Cows, on average, are responsible for the deaths of 22 people every year and this is the part that really got me – 75% of these deaths are DELIBERATE ON THE PART OF THE COWS!!  And some of those were the result of people getting ganged up on by the cows!  COW GANGS JUMP PEOPLE!

Sure, I get it – some people do the running of the bull – that’s stupid. Some people jump into the pasture and mess with the cows – they’ve got it coming.  But, I’m not just talking about those people – there was a guy in England who was just walking and a cow just decided to attack him! This gives a whole new meaning to “mad cow.”

Not to cheapen the tragedy in either situation – but if I got to choose between the two ways to die, I’m going to have to go with shark.  I wouldn’t last long with a shark and I probably wouldn’t know what hit me.  But a COW?!!  That sucker isn’t going to sneak up on me!  I am going to see that guy coming for a long time and he will eventually outrun me. And then he’s not going to use hundreds of razor sharp teeth to tear me apart – he’s going to hop up and down on me for a while!  And have you ever smelled a cow?!!  That is the last thing I’d smell – I wouldn’t smell a shark.  And look at a shark – that is a cool looking animal.  The last thing I would see would be this awesome looking monster pulling me under the water in the middle of the ocean surrounded by other sea life.  A cow has to be one of the dopiest looking animals on the planet.  So the last thing I would experience would be this two ton smelly, dorky-looking animal jumping on me in the middle of a field surrounded by piles of my attacker’s poop.  And what about my loved ones?  They’d have to explain my demise!

“Oh my God, how sad.  How did he die?”

“Shark attack.”



“Oh my God, how sad.  How did he die?”

“Cow attack.”

“….no really.  Was he sick?”

“*sigh* Nope.  Jumped by a cow.”

“Oh…well, that’s…sad………. Like a moo cow kind of cow?  Milk and burgers?”

There’s no way anyone would take me seriously in Heaven except the other dude who got jumped by a cow.  We’d get pretty close quickly.

I think we should have a Cow Week just like we have Shark Week and have them treat it the same way.  Scientists tagging cows and tracking their movement – they’ll probably be in the same spot where they left them. And, I suppose there aren’t many elusive species of cows that they need to try and track down….okay, this is starting to sound like it might not be my best idea.

“My cow is not pretty, but it is pretty to me.” ~ David Lynch

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