I Could Never Be A Unicorn


Boy oh boy was today ever a Mondayish Monday.  On days like these it helps to remember the positive things – all the things we’ve got going for us – look at things in a “glass half full” kind of way.  There is so much to be thankful for, so many blessings.

…or you can find one thing that really bugs you and blab about it for a while.

I.  Hate.  Glitter.

Glitter is the devil’s dandruff. I avoid it at all costs and on the occasions I need to use it I will gripe about it for months. Which is fitting because I’ll find it EVERYWHERE for months! I just had to use it and my house, my classroom, my car, and everywhere in between is glistening with the little bits of…what the hell is that stuff made of anyway? It’s not paper, it’s not metal – but it sparkles and fills me with dread at the same time. It’s like when we become adults, all of our hopes and dreams get thrown into wood chippers and they make glitter. I liken my feeling to those of Kentucky Derby losers seeing a bottle of Elmer’s glue (which goes hand in hand with glitter – coincidence?).

And who was the thoughtless heathen that came up with this?  What was that brainstorm like?

“I want to add some color that sparkles!”

“Well, sir, we do have special metallic paint that will get the job done – quick, neat, and easy!”

“Nah, screw that! I need something that colors the tiniest possible area so that I’ll need millions of these little fragments to fill in a square inch.  And I want to HAVE TO spill it as the application process – no precision, just dump it and then shake the hell out of it so it goes everywhere and you’ll see where you missed and you have to dump and shake again.  And I want it in a container that is guaran-damn-teed to spill and spread out everywhere AND this stuff needs to be microscopic so it’s impossible to clean but visible enough that you can see all the areas you need to TRY and clean.  I want to have all of the fun of an oil spill in the ocean but without having to leave my house.”

“Should we make sure it doesn’t stick to your skin because if it gets on your hands and you rub your eye and a little piece gets lodged in there…”

“You’re fired! Share my glistening vision or be gone, nonbeliever!”

At least that’s how it goes in my mind.

And is there a good reason why it has to be on EVERY Christmas card? EVERY. ONE.  During the holidays, whenever I got the mail, I would grab an envelope and I would hear and feel the tell-tale crunch of the sparkly contents.  Then we would be enjoying our dinner with a sprinkle of red glitter added to our plates because they sprang into the air like little flashy paratroopers. By the time New Years rolled around, my house looked like Tinkerbell swallowed a grenade.

Sequins are no better! That’s just overgrown glitter! My wife had a maternity shirt that had sequins all over it. Some how the little bedazzled demons didn’t get along with our dryer and they came off the shirt and adhered themselves all around the interior of the dryer. Fast forward to when my son and I were getting dressed for the next few MONTHS and we’re still picking sequins off our clothes. We glistened like disco balls.  It looked as if Donna Summer herself designed our boxers.  Trust me – you haven’t experienced annoying discomfort until someone has sprinkled sequins INSIDE your undies!

…I mean…so I’ve heard…from a friend…

“I think once you’re past 30 you shouldn’t wear a lot of glitter.” ~ Chloe Sevigny

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