I received a lot of feedback about Tuesday’s top 10 list of lame Christmas songs. Apparently I had hit a lot of the crappy classics (“crappics”), but a couple readers threw in their two cents. In fact, I had enough two cents to think I needed to follow up on my post (pretty much a dime if you add all the two cents up) – but I couldn’t have a TOP 5 list…that’s pretty lame. And I couldn’t hate on enough other Christmas songs to create another full Top 10 list. So, being Sunday, I deemed it worthy of a NEW Bobbing for Popcorn feature that I could utilize in such cases as this – when you, my dear sweet little kernels (Lady Gaga has her “little monsters,” you guys are my “little kernels” – cuz of the popcorn thing…and I’m like the bowl…and you are unpopped and hurt people’s teeth…you know, never mind, this is stupid) have ideas of your own that you would like to add to my posts which…
I WELCOME AND ENCOURAGE ALL THE TIME!!!
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But, without further ado, the first ever SUPPLEMENTAL SEVEN SUNDAY created by a combined effort of YOU and ME.
7. Jingle Bells – Barbra Streisand
This might be the only Christmas song that would put you into an epileptic seizure. Maybe it’s because she’s technically used to Hanukkah and Christmas was not in her upbringing but, Babs, calm the hell down. The stores get their Christmas stuff out in October – we’ve got time. Besides, it’s Jingle Bells. Jingle freaking Bells. The easiest and most common song in the Christmas cannon. First graders are given this tune when their short-sighted music teachers give them each a recorder to bring home and practice – “Hot Cross Buns,” “Twinkle, Twinkle,” and “Jingle Bells.” No need to reinvent the wheel here.
6. 12 Days of Christmas – every-freakin’-body
I’m talking about the original, but I’m posting the Straight No Chaser version for your enjoyment. I love this version because it illustrates just how ridiculous the original song is. What are these things? Why is my true love buying me all this garbage?! And PEOPLE?!! Are we even allowed to buy people?!! And you can count yourself among the very few if you can honestly remember all these lyrics without having to look them up. I swear when they wrote this song, they had to fill a butt load of time at the end of a concert and decided to make one song and milk it for all it was worth. Best stalling tactic song in history! And it says something if a song has MULTIPLE parodies that are played during the holidays as much as the original! If you can become a Christmas classic by making fun of ANOTHER Christmas classic, then that original definitely deserves to be on this list. If you haven’t already, check out Bob Rivers’ “12 Pains of Christmas” and, of course, The Muppet cover of this tune.
5. Holiday Feeling – Steve Lawrence & Eydie Gorme
Though not as bad as “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” this dude is still pretty much only trying to “stuff the stocking,” if you know what I mean. It’s also chockfull of lyrics that must have been put together by one of those Refrigerator Magnet Poetry sets. “Look how the snow is snowing.” Yup, what does snow do? Snow snows. Horses gallop, birds fly, and snow snows. We will also turn mistletoe into a verb and decide we really want to use the word “party” and must logically work the word “smarty” into the lyrics later in this cavity-inducing, syrupy sweet attempt for a woman to feel the spirit of Christmas and her man’s desperate attempts to get said woman into bed. Fa-la-la-la-la.
4. Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano
Did you know that, to win a bet, Dr. Seuss wrote Green, Eggs, and Ham using only 50 words? He repeated them over and over adding a new twist here and there to keep the story moving, but for the most part “I will not eat,” “Would you try them on/in/with a,” and “Green eggs and ham” were the central words in the text and he supplemented them with “goat” and “tree” and “train” and so on. But the fact is, these “goats” and “trees” and “trains” kept the cannon words from getting stale. Jose Feliciano, however, did not. He used 20 words (21 if you count “Ahaaa!”). No change, no supplements, just Spanish verse, English chorus, same Spanish verse, same English chorus, ad nauseum. Aye carumba.
3. Donde esta Santa Claus? – Augie Rios
I have nothing against Spanish music! I swear! But this song sucks!!! Who is this kid calling “Mamacita,” first of all? The literal translation is “little mama.” So either his mother is an elf, he’s using a pet name for his girlfriend (who I hope is also 7 years old like this kid sounds), or he’s doing his best to be the Latino prepubescent Elvis. Secondly, could we shove any more stereotypes in here?! Castinets? The reindeers named Poncho and Pedro?!! The backup singers mimicking mariachi horns?!!! And does he really say “I know that I should be the sleeping”? THE sleeping?!! You might as well leave rice and beans out instead of milk and cookies!! This sounds like someone asked the Texas Border Militia to write this song! Ay dios mio!
2. Snoopy’s Christmas – The Royal Guardsmen
What do you get when you mix a beloved cartoon, a World War I fighter pilot with 80 confirmed kills, and drinking? A Christmas song! This might be the only Christmas song to feature canon fire and machine guns. Sure the war claimed between 15 and 18 million lives BUT Snoopy (who was about to get gunned down which would effectively make this the only Christmas song to have a beloved cartoon character die in combat set to the cheery upbeat sound of bells) luckily was shown mercy, landed his plane with his sworn enemy, boozed it up a bit, and then took off in the hopes of murdering each other once again in aerial combat. Again I say, Fa-la-la-la-la.
1. We Wish You the Merriest – Les Brown
How this one escaped my first list, I have no idea. I think I just scrubbed it so hard from my memory that it snuck through the cracks. In any case, here it is; it would definitely vie for one of the top spots on the original list, and I have no words to describe the ear gouging horror that this song emanates on the airwaves. This song is proof that even Satan celebrates Christmas and has enjoyed writing a carol or two that will torment his trapped souls in the most festive way possible.
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” ~ Elf