Deciding to share the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal. Especially if you decided not to live together before you got married, as was the case for my wife and me (but, hey, if you decided to live in sin and risk your eternal soul, who am I to judge). When the big day arrives, everyone knows the vows they have you say: better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, yadda and yadda. But they really leave a TON of scenarios out of that little exchange, probably just to cut down on time and to keep people from calling off the deal before the cake is even cut.
10. With Pleasant Tasks and To Make You Do Things That Suck
Let’s be honest, most of us wouldn’t go to the dentist unless your teeth felt like someone was jackhammering through them. And what would be preferable: dealing with being sick or taking the nasty, gag-inducing medicine? I know that I stopped regular dentist visits after I turned 18 until my wife set us up with a family dentist – other than that I was just a “drill and fill” kind of guy (that sounds wrong). And as for being sick, I figured I would either get better eventually or die. In either case I could accomplish the end goal without having to take down a shot of neon-colored Benytylochloromoxidopamine! But when your significant other holds out the little plastic cup and says, “Take it,” you do…and maybe you get an M&M chaser to get the taste out of your mouth afterward.
9. In Exciting Times and When Things Are Boring
I wonder if anyone has ever calculated how much time married couples waste doing mind-numbingly dull things. The car inspections, the taxes, the appliance shopping, the laundry folding, the paint swatch selectings…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
8. When You Have Good Ideas and When You Don’t
Hearing things come from my mouth like, “Let’s leave early to avoid traffic,” or my wife saying, “I think my parents should watch the boys so we can clean this house,” you know you’re hearing good ideas. However, I also say things like, “We don’t need to hire someone, I can fix that.” And once I heard my wife say, “I’m going to dye my hair red.” These are times you know we weren’t performing at the top of our game and, lo and behold, our living room is a fog of drywall dust and my wife’s hair is maroon (seriously, it was maroon). However, I frosted my hair once, so I can’t pick on her too much (but, let’s face it, I looked freakin’ hot).
7. When You’re Fresh and When You Smell
There are times when you’re “nose blind” to yourself and you haven’t showered in a couple (or eight) days. It is the job of your partner to A) gently let you know that you are a tad bit gamey (or way past your expiration date) and B) stay with you whenever you inevitably make a return trip to Stanky Town. This also includes when you’ve worked up a sweat, morning breath, and whatever after-effects occur because of Taco Tuesday.
6. When All Living Things Are Welcome and When Something Needs to Die
My wife is okay with insects most of the time – she’ll take out a spider or a colony of ants that invade our house as if she was the Terminator. But if we get a visit from a rodent…I’m instantly tagged in. I’m usually tagged in very loudly from atop some piece of furniture. But, when it’s time to go after the little intruder, my cat and I are a vicious duo. Okay, she’s vicious, I’m worthless. I usually lose the ones she caught (and I can actually read her mind when she looks at me after I allow one to escape – she can’t hide her disgust for me in her eyes) or I panic and attack the critter in whatever way my reflexes tell me to – I punched a mouse in the face once. Punched it! My cat AND THE MOUSE both looked at me like, “Dude! Let us handle this!”
5. When You Are a Source of Pride and When You Are A Crappy Example of a Human Being
When you say something a teensy bit politically incorrect about the person you didn’t know was standing behind you. When you wave at fellow motorists…with just one finger. When you accidentally ruin a stranger’s moment of silence. When you put embarrassing quips about them in your blog. It is an unwritten vow that your spouse HAS TO still acknowledge that you’re married. They can apologize for whatever harm you’ve caused and promise to ground you, but they cannot leave and pretend like they’ve never seen you before no matter how much they want to.
4. When Dealing With Normal Things and With Inexplicably Gross Things
Let’s face it, the human body is one of the most disgusting things on the planet. I don’t care if you think your spouse is the most gorgeous specimen ever to grace the face of Earth…they are gross. Toilets will need to be plunged, air freshener will need to be sprayed, toothpaste globs will need to be wiped up, HUGE FRIGGIN’ FISTFULS OF HAIR WILL NEED TO BE YANKED FROM THE BOWELS OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD PLUMBING!!!! And you HAVE TO do it! YOU HAVE TO! The person officiating never mentions it before the whole “kiss the bride” thing, BUT YOU HAVE TO!
3. When Meals Are Delicious and When the Food Makes You Gag
Now, don’t get me wrong, my wife is an amazing cook and I’m no slouch myself. But we’ve both been guilty of “experimenting” with a meal and leaving each other with a forced grin and a phony “Mmmmm.” Apparently my wife isn’t a fan of me making her eggs blue (don’t ask – I had no reason to do it). I however never thought a dish like “dill carrots” needed to be invented…she later agreed.
***On a separate note, because my wife hasn’t yelled at me in a while and I’m a glutton for punishment – I must bring up that she makes amazing homemade apple sauce. But the recipe calls for a jar of apple sauce. And I just don’t understand this concept. If one of the ingredients for what you’re making is, ultimately, what you’re making, isn’t your quest over? A recipe for apple sauce that requires you to open a jar of apple sauce shouldn’t have a Step 2***
2. When You’re Warm and Comfortable and When the Covers are Stolen
No matter how much you may think otherwise, the fact that your butt is constantly exposed to the freezing winter elements is not grounds for divorce. However, it works both ways, so yank those covers back over your hypothermiated hiney and hold on for dear life!
1. When You Are Successfully Navigating Through Your Life and When You Randomly Do Something Irrationally Stupid
There will be times when your partner will need to help you out of situations that you honestly have no reason for being in. Like, hypothetically speaking, keeping pressure on your bleeding head because you put it through a wooden basket while diving to avoid a sock, or painstakingly using make up to draw in a portion of your eyebrow that you accidentally shaved, or even figuring out a new hairstyle for themselves because you may or may not have cut their bangs diagonally…not that any of those things happened to anyone I know…