Thank You…

Today, one of my bestest friends in the world visited me at work and brought me a “cortadito” – a cup of sweetened Cuban espresso – which is heaven in a cup.  He is also an avid reader of Bobbing for Popcorn as well as a frequent collaborator in my escapades and has been mentioned many a time throughout my posts.  When it came time to start writing this blog again, I asked him to help me refresh my list of topics I should write about and one of his suggestions was to write thank you notes for things that I appreciate.  Things that make a difference in my life.  And today was a rough day – in fact, it’s been a very rough week – and in he walks at the right moment with a friendly smile and one of my favorite beverages to brighten my day.  So it just seems fitting that I dedicate my first “Thursday Thanks” to…

Coffee.

What?  You thought I was going to be thankful for my friend?  Oh hell no.  Today royally sucked – if he showed up without the coffee, there’s a good chance I would have shanked him with a dry erase marker!

It was that frothy, steaming, cup of caffeinated heaven that saved lives today.

So thank you, coffee.  Thank you for your percolating melody.  For your full aroma that hugs me inside my nostrils.  For your bold flavor that distracts me from all the horrible things the voices in my head would like to see me do as I find myself up before the sun.  Thank you for being so useful – warming my hands, warming my insides, warming my forehead when I put my mug against my brow when I need to feel relaxed.  Thank you for not being judgy like many of my friends are when I rub my brow on them when I need to feel relaxed.  Thank you for not being judgy about my repeated use of the word “brow.”

Thank you for giving me something to keep my mouth busy when people around me do and say things that just beg for me to say things that will come back to bite me.  Thank you for giving me something in common with so many people that I would most likely end up insulting with my lack of enthusiasm toward anything else they enjoy (“Hey, did you see the Kardashians’ butt waxer on Dancing with the Stars?”  “Nope.  Hey, isn’t this good coffee?  Let’s talk about that until I can figure out a way to leave.” ). And thank you for giving the presence of mind to not attack the people who say they don’t like you – I don’t trust these people, and I’m pretty sure they’ve come from a distant galaxy to snatch our bodies – but since I have indulged in your liquid wisdom I am able to fake an indifferent “huh” instead of straddling their chest and squishing their faces between my hands and whining, “Why do you say such hurtful things?!!”

Thank you for being so readily available (seriously, have you ever gone anywhere to eat that didn’t have it?) and affordable…unless you go to Starbucks (damn you, you weird green aquatic lady with your overpriced beverages and strange alternative menu language).  Thank you for coming in a variety of sizes, strengths, and flavors and for being so quick to help me build a tolerance that I can enjoy multiple versions of you in the same day and still allow my liver to process your caffeine in enough time to crash on the couch at 8:00 pm like an 80-year-old man who just finished a fish fry and a Matlock marathon.  Not that I have a problem with thinking about my golden years, because seniors get free coffee at some places…but for some reason you need to drink it there at like 5 a.m. and talk about things like which of our joints retain the most fluid and what’s the best hard candy to keep in our pockets…I’m guessing mine will be coffee flavored.

“Way too much coffee.  But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.” ~ David Letterman

Top Ten Job Opportunities We “Need” Filled Immediately

I just lost a filling.  I’m not surprised seeing as though my last trip to the dentist was far from enjoyable (even by trip-to-dentist standards). It’s going to be a little while before I can get to see my new dentist to fill this gaping hole in my molar, so I ran to the drug store and bought some temporary filling goop (pretty sure that’s the ADA approved term for this stuff). After two attempts that failed miserably, I squatted down and had my wife give it a shot (come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing her wash her hands). It feels okay, but she’s far from a professional. That’s when I got to thinking, THERE’S a job we need someone to come up with and, just like that, this week’s Top Ten Tuesday was born.

10.  In-Home Dentists

If you have a leaking pipe, do you bring it to the plumber?  No!  They come to your house and fix it!  Your dentist has all those crazy tools, but how many of them do they really use on you?  No more than can fit in a tool bag, I would bet.  So when I’m dealing with a lost filling, why do I have to take a day off, go to their office, sit for who knows how long, and then stare at the ceiling while they work?  I should be sitting on my couch waiting for a dentist to show up like the cable company.  Numb me, drill and fill, and charge me for parts and an hour of labor.  I can even watch a baseball game while you work…okay, I’d probably be watching Buffy or something, but baseball just sounded manlier.

9.  Shoe Exchange Stations

I HATE shopping for shoes.  I don’t care about brands.  I want something that 1) fits, 2) is inexpensive, and 3) doesn’t look too stupid. And I don’t want to deal with all the packaging OR the old ratty pair I’m replacing.  Seriously, why do I have to bring these home with me?! They’re the reason I’m buying new shoes to begin with.  So I think we need a place we go and hand them our old shoes and they give us a new pair that’s comparable to the old ones.  You try them on, you pay, you go home.  No left over shoebox or packing tissue.  No goofy “pre-lacing” shoelace patterns to undo and re-lace.  No “new pair” of yardwork shoes to add to the pile of other hole-riddled footwear you keep in the garage. Just a replacement.  Like at a bowling alley except you don’t trade back…and the shoes won’t look like the “franken-cars” that had pieces replaced with stuff from other cars of different colors, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  I don’t judge.  They’re your feet and I’m not Rex Ryan so I couldn’t care less.

8.  Veggie Chopper

You go to the deli counter and there is someone there to cut the cheese (*snicker, snicker*) just the way you like it.  You go to the meat counter and they’ll trim steaks just the way you want them or debone a chicken if you don’t like your chickens boney (*teeheehee*).  You can even go to the seafood department and have them take care of your crabs (I’m not mature enough to do the grocery shopping).  But there is no one in the produce section or farmers markets to prep your produce!  If you are trying to eat healthier, you need more fruits and vegetables.  But it is such a pain to wash and chop everything to cook!  We need someone you can hand things to and say, “I need three Xs and Ys washed and cubed and half a pound of peeled Zs, please.”  I’m sure there are dirty things about the produce section too, but I’m getting kind of tired.  Feel free to leave tasteless produce humor in the comments.

7.  Spam Cleaner

When I check my phone, rarely do I see my email inbox empty.  And when I go to check my messages, most of the time it’s garbage that my Spam filter doesn’t catch.  I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have this problem!  NO, you don’t need to refinance your mortgage!  NO, signing that petition won’t force Walmart to implement a dress code!  NO, “hot local singles” are NOT looking to hook up with you (now, if you’re actually single and so desperate you’re looking for random email for a date you might want to gravitate toward subject lines like “local singles with dramatically lowered expectations would tolerate you”)!  What we need is someone trustworthy who would get a “ding” every time we get a message and would take care of deleting it unless it’s something we ACTUALLY needed to read.  Like the South African banker who will make you millions if you transfer him $1000.

6.  List Marker

Do you know how many more things I could get done on my to-do list if I didn’t have to waste time making my to-do list?  Okay, probably only one…but I just really hate making to-do lists.

5.  Post Filter

We have become a culture of over-sharers.  Not everything we say needs to be said.  Now, I’m not one for all of the “Oh let’s be P.C. about this…” or “Someone might get offended…” – I totally agree that people need some thicker skin and if you see something you disagree with, but it really has no major influence on anyone’s life, just let it go.  However, if you’re starting a post with “I’ll probably lose friends over this, but…” or “I don’t care who gets mad…” or “To all you haters out there…” or “Imma do me an’ if you gotta problem wit dat…” you are about to say something very stupid (and you need serious grammatical help).  It would be money well spent for some people to hire a professional who would get all the posts, status updates, and photos before they get uploaded.  If you’re someone who posts things like “Happy birthday, Mom” or “TGIF” on a regular basis, you’re probably okay (except you probably shouldn’t wish your mother a happy birthday on a regular basis because that most likely means you’re not quite sure when the actual day is).  But if you’re someone who is prone to posting things like “Last night of freedom before I open my daycare.  Who wants to meet me for shots?” or “Me and my Aunt Gertrude.  Miss you, Auntie. #funeralselfie #didntwakeuplikethis” – you should probably hope someone starts a business like this PDQ.

4.  Dog Rental

I have a problem.  I REALLY love dogs but I have REALLY questionable responsibility.  I don’t have the time to devote to a dog, but I want to pet and hug EVERY dog I see going out for walks or sitting on porches.  I don’t want to volunteer at shelters because I also have REALLY bad impulse control issues and judgement, so I would fall in love and adopt EVERY cat and dog in the place.  So I just need someone who would raise dogs and care for them responsibly, but would also rent them out by the hour so I could just play and snuggle with the pooch for a while and then we go back to our separate routines.  I think I just described an escort service…

3.  Impartial Judge

Because I know I’m right and sometimes I just need to be able to call someone and prove it, that’s why!

2.  Common Sense Advisor

Much like the Post Filter, this is someone who would be placed in most places of business whose sole purpose is to look at people and tell them, “No, don’t do that.  That’s dumb.”  When you jam the copier and try to leave it, they stand in the door and say, “You break it, you fix it.”  When someone takes something out of the communal fridge that has someone else’s name on it this person would stare daggers at them until they put the food back.  When the boss has a super important meeting on a topic that is presented on a 5-slide PowerPoint, it is this person’s job to say, “Uh-uh.  That’s not a meeting, that’s an email.”  And if the boss actually DOES have a super important meeting and at the end asks if there any questions and someone raises their hand to ask about something that pertains to NO ONE but them, it is this person’s GOD-GIVEN DUTY to smack that person on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, “NO!”

1.  Coffee/Breakfast Delivery

If you’re home and you don’t want to cook or go out – you order pizza. If you’re at work and you want to order a Friday lunch – you order some subs.  But what if you want an omelette?  Or a donut?  Or how about just a midday pick-me-up cup o’ Joe?  Why can you get lunch and dinner delivered, but you have to go out for breakfast?  Why can pizza places and delis make you a milkshake or bring you a 2 liter, but Starbucks can’t run you over some cappuccino?  “But the coffee will get cold and the eggs will get all rubbery!”  Yeah, I know!  But what do you want me to do about it?!  I’m just a writer – you need to figure it out and bring me some over-easies, rye, and coffee!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ~ Homer Simpson

Top Ten Unexpected Things That Make Your Day Epic

First of all – I’ve been pretty slovenly with my blog as of late – but no worries, I have no intention of stopping or even slowing down to just a weekly Top Ten list entry.  I’ve just had a bunch of real world, “adulting” issues taking up a bunch of my time – stupid responsibilities and stuff. Needless to say, when all of these everyday challenges pop up, it’s not uncommon to have “one of those days.”  You know, a typical Monday…all week long.  BUT that brings me to the topic of this week’s TOP TEN TUESDAY (segues are cool) – tiny, unexpected, mundane events that can make you give your day the Breakfast Club fist pump!

10.  Awesome Odors

So often your nose is assaulted with a double-barreled load of hot, nasty funk – garbage, moldy food, skunk spray, dirty diaper, kids (c’mon – I don’t care how much you love children, they smell).  But what about when your nostrils are hit with an unexpectedly awesome odor?  Maybe your neighbor just mowed the lawn.  Maybe a warm spring rain shower just ended (the fresh clean kind, not the dead worm kind).  How about a chicken barbecue pit sizzling away while you drive by with your windows down?  Or getting to work and finding out one of your coworkers made popcorn and DIDN’T burn it!  Sometimes all you need to bring a little smile to your face is to have a happy little sniff of something awesome.

9.  Stopping the Gas Pump on the Exact Dollar

This is more than just an epic moment – this is a freakin’ super power! Back when gas was down around the $1/gallon level, it was a pretty regular occurrence – but now that we’re floating around the $3 range – those pennies fly by at the speed of light!  If you can get that pump to stop with double zeros after the decimal point, you have accomplished a major feat!  Even if you stop short by a few cents and need to ka-chunk, ka-chunk the pump handle a couple times but still land on that coveted target, it’s still impressive.  Go ahead, spread your arms wide and let out a victorious “Booyah” on your way back to the driver seat – you’ve earned it.

8.  Hitting All Green Lights

If you’re like me, you don’t go many places out of the ordinary on a daily basis, so the mind just goes on autopilot.  Then, when you reach your destination, you look at the clock and see that you made really good time. How is that possible?  Then it dawns on you…all the lights were GREEN! You didn’t need to stop once!  This is so rare and so epic you actually share this accomplishment with anyone who will listen to you.  How often do traffic lights make their way into your conversations?  Hardly ever.  But when you make it through a dozen intersections without having to hit your breaks, it is just too awesome not to brag about a little.  Anyone who has had this experience, will share in your revelry and if they don’t, get new friends- these people don’t deserve your awesomeness.

7.  Laughing

Whether something unexpected makes you laugh or you are lucky enough to find yourself with someone who has a knack for making you laugh – it always makes the day better if you find yourself laughing until your sides ache and you’re wiping tears from your eyes.  It’s even a day brightener if you could make this amusing person laugh – or better yet, getting a notoriously stone-faced grump to crack a smile.  There’s just something about having a good laugh or causing a good laugh that will give you a little more oomph to get you through some of the less amusing parts of your day.  Plus, if it was a really good chuckle, it will creep back up on you throughout the day.

6.  Epic.  Road.  Tunes.

Awwwwwww yeeeeeeahhhhh!!!!  Your iTunes either has a good random shuffle or the radio station you’re listening to turns on that song.  You know that song.  All conversations in the car stop mid-sentence, the volume gets cranked, and the concert is about to begin.  We’re talking steering wheel drum solos, air guitars, belting out the lyrics at the top of your lungs EVEN if you don’t know them all AND you even sing out the instrumental parts!  We all have that song – Bohemian Rhapsody, Purple Rain, Rapper’s Delight, Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)…don’t hate…you know you rocked that song AND Hit Me Baby One More Time back in the day.  You didn’t?!  Liar.

5.  Something Simple Made Perfectly

There is nothing extraordinary about a piece of toast or a grilled cheese sandwich.  Even a notorious java addict like me will admit 99 times out of 100, it’s just a cup of coffee.  But once in a while – you might not even know why – but something so ordinary just becomes mind-blowingly AMAZING!  You slip on the butter when you’re making the toast, your grilled cheese has those little burnt cheese bits around the edge, you just cleaned the coffee pot and ground fresh beans – SOMETHING happens and you find yourself thinking about that little, insignificant tasty treat for the rest of your day.

4.  Last Minute Cancellations of Unwanted Plans

You’ve had that dreaded meeting or obligatory dinner party appearance on your calendar for months.  The day arrives and you look at it and sigh – today is the day you are going to have to deal with it.  You muddle through your day hoping that for once the clock slows down and prolongs the inevitable.  Then it happens.  You get the message – it’s cancelled!  Not only do you get out of that unwanted event but you also find yourself with no plans to take its place!  You can get more things checked off your to-do list or go home early, slip on the grungy jammy pants and veg out to your favorite show on Netflix (bonus if they unexpectedly added new episodes – but let’s not get greedy).

3.  Random Compliments

Now, there is a limit here.  We’ve all had the sexual harassment trainings. Small compliments in passing are awesome.  If you are told you smell amazing and the person just keeps grinning at you, call the cops.  But if you’re just going about your daily routine and someone just offers you a little ego boost, it could really fuel the rest of your day.  They may say that they like your shirt or your hair or ask you if you’ve lost weight – but in your mind all you hear is:  You’re.  A.  Sexy.  Beast.  Go ahead, stop by the bathroom to give yourself a little wink and nod because, they’re right, you look fantastic.

2.  Finding Money

Whether it’s a penny in the parking lot or finding twenty bucks in the pocket of an old pair of your jeans – you get a boost!  Finding you overpaid a bill and now you have a credit on your account is like winning the lottery!  It’s weird, most of the time when you find money, or have an account credit, or get a nice tax return, you’re thrilled – but it’s all your money anyway!  But it was money you didn’t count on and that’s what makes it magical – extra money!  So, check the coin returns in the vending machines and pull off your couch cushions and see what treasures you can find.  It might just be a nickel and a stale, linty Cheeto, but it’s five cents you didn’t have a second ago…and, yeah, I won’t judge you if you eat the Cheeto.

1.  FREE FOOD!

There are very few bad days at work that can’t be turned into good days (or at least less awful) when you just add snacks!  It comes in all forms: someone brought in an office birthday cake, the person ahead of you in the drive-thru pays for your order, the vending machine drops two bags of chips.  But whatever the vehicle, nothing pumps you up on a mundane day like unexpected vittles that cost you nothing!  Even the pickiest eaters lower their standards when they are in the middle of a bad day and someone approaches them with a plate of free happiness – you can probably brighten a French chef’s bad day with a free McNugget!  I work in a school and we just got through our big state exams and some people came up with the awesome idea of giving us little “thank you” treats and you instantly had a bunch of grown adults huddled in the corner acting like Gollum petting and caressing a donut.  Oh yeah, the way to our hearts – and to an epic day – is definitely through our stomach.

I’d love to hear your additions to my list- comment away on what unexpected little thing makes your day an epic one!

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“I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that.” ~ Gillian Anderson

Thank You, Little Bean

Great things come in small packages.  Never has a statement rang more true than when one looks at a coffee bean.  Truly, nature’s little superhero.

There is an old anecdote that teaches us about adversity.  Seeing that her daughter was having a hard time, a mother boiled three pots of water.  In the first pot she places a carrot, in the second an egg, and in the third coffee beans.  After a while she shows her daughter that when faced with the adversity of the hot water, the carrot turned soft and weak when it started off strong.  The egg was hardened by adversity.  But only the coffee beans changed the water to be more like itself.

So who are you like: the carrot, the egg, or the coffee beans?

Myself?  None.  I would be the one who would deal with the adversity after drinking pot number three.  Oh, sweet nectar of the gods!

Yeah, yeah, yeah – fables, lessons, morals – whatever, give me a good strong cup of joe and I’ll buy whatever you’re selling.  The fact is there is a lot of adversity in our daily lives and that magical little bean helps me face it head on!  How many mornings have I been able to conquer – how many challenges have I been able to face – how many lives of difficult people that I’ve needed to deal with too early in the day have been saved – all by that one amazing little bean?

I’d go so far as to say it is the most amazing thing that we consume!  Don’t believe me? Allow me to prove it to you with two really cool words: Kopi Luwak.  Also known as civet coffee.  Also known as cat poop coffee.  The coffee bean isn’t actually a bean; it is the pit of a cherry-like fruit.  Kopi Luwak is created when the Asian palm civet (which is a funky looking cat/rat/badger thing) eats the fruit, partially digests it, and poops out the coffee beans.  They are washed and sent out as one of the most expensive gourmet coffees in the world (it’ll cost you about $200 a pound).  It is one of the most sought after coffees!  Now what other food or drink would people hunt down and be willing to pay that much for after a cat crapped it out?!!  Would you do that for a taco or a bagel?  Oh hell no!

Coffee has been an obsession of mine since high school.  It’s what my friends and I used to do more than anything – go out and get coffee.  We knew where to go, where not to go, how to make it – we were connoisseurs of java.  We knew all about the lattes and the cappuccinos long before Starbucks became a world-wide staple.

Early in the morning there would be a bunch of little old men griping about the youths of today over their hot morning mugs and in the evening the youths of today would sit there grumbling about old people drinking the same drink.  If only we knew then what we know now maybe we could have found some common grounds…see what I did there?   Grounds…?

I remember one time a couple friends and I were spending the night over at one of our other friend’s houses and we wanted to pull an all-nighter.  We thought the only way to achieve this was to brew the strongest pot of coffee known to mankind.  How does one do that?  You brew a normal pot of coffee.  Then you brew a second pot of coffee, but instead of using water, you use the first pot of coffee.  Then you do it again.  And again…and again…

Our final pot was brewed with six previous pots.

Did you know caffeine had a taste?  Like the actual caffeine – kind of sour actually.  The coffee itself?  Horrible – godawful – a disgusting abomination of our beloved beverage.  Of course we drank the whole thing and quit blinking for most of the evening.  BUT we did manage to stay up all night.

Crashed like a meteor around noon the next day and felt like puking for a day past that…but that’s besides the point.

Then, in 1997, my life changed forever.  Yeah, it was the year I graduated and met my future wife…but besides that.  I went to Disney World for the first time.  It was a school trip, I was a senior, and I had my own debit card…party time.  I had a job so I had socked away quite a few paychecks leading up to the trip, plus my family had given me some spending cash because they rock.  I didn’t plan on spending extravagant amounts of money – a couple souvenirs here and there and something to bring home for my parents, sister, etc.  But then it happened…I saw it…this strange new term I had never seen before…

ICED COFFEE

How can this be?  Coffee is a hot drink.  Waitresses and waiters come to my table and ask me if I need a “warm up” when my cup is running low.  However, this is Florida – I’m hot – and I love coffee…

I took a sip and the angels sang.  I had epiphanies.  All my sins were forgiven.  I had become a man.

I would suck down a large glass of it and toss the cup of ice before I passed the next refreshment stand so that I could buy another one.  Over the three-day trip it was nearly the only thing I drank (with the exception of breakfast – I had hot coffee then; I’m not a savage).

I looked over my receipts from the trip on the bus ride home and realized that I spent over $150 on iced coffee in three days…I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but that may have been a bit excessive.

I have cut down on my addiction quite a bit (at it’s peak – while I was student teaching – I was drinking ten to twelve cups a day) and I usually enjoy a cup in the morning – maybe two on the weekends.  And I was fortunate to marry a fellow coffee enthusiast (met her the same year as I met iced coffee…coincidence?).  Luckily for me, she likes her coffee like she likes her men…lukewarm, pale, and weak.

“I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Aged to Perfection

Today I had the great honor and privilege to celebrate my grandmother’s 90th birthday.  I’ve written about her before and her feisty ways and it never ceases to amaze me how she is still living in a full, two-floor house, still driving, still dancing, still going out and raising a ruckus with her friends, still playing and helping raise her great grandsons, and still living life to the fullest!  She is truly an inspiration.

It’s mind-boggling to think about everything that she has experienced.  When she was born you could get a house for $7000; a car for less than $400.  Marilyn Monroe, Queen Elizabeth, and Mel Brooks were just born and Harry Houdini, Rudolph Valentino, and Annie Oakley just died.  She has seen 14 presidents get elected, 2 territories become states, and the Berlin Wall go up and come down.  Most impressively she has been around to see all 9 of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s marriages and all 17 of Michael Jackson’s noses!

When she was my age there were no personal computers or cell phones, so today really got me thinking about what things are going to be like when I’m 90.  The year will be 2069 and it will be a wondrous place, my friends.  I will wake up early and grab a mug of fresh hot coffee from the Tim Horton’s attached to my garage – after having developed a location in all of the free business areas and still not being able to keep up with the demand of people’s addictions they just started building a franchise on everyone’s property.

I’ll turn on my television wall to see what is happening on the news.  President Trump, finishing up his 12th consecutive term in office, will be tearing down the wall along the Canadian border to solve the maple syrup shortage.  The wall along the Mexican border remains strong and intact ever since the day Mexico built it to keep us from fleeing into their country after Trump’s first election.

The people mourn the loss of Taylor Swift, however her funeral is interrupted by Kanye West who wanted the world to know that his wife, Kim Kardashian, had the best funeral of the year.  Her final wishes were to have an open casket and to be completely nude.  All of the West children: North, South, North-by-North, AFC, Go, and Wild were the pallbearers.

I’ll try to keep my day low key – I’m sure my family will have a party for me later, but I would really just like to go see a movie.  Most likely it will be the 50th installment of the Fast and Furious series.  I’ll be standing in line for my ticket behind a bunch of people chain smoking unfiltered cigarettes in an attempt to quit their addiction to vapor inhalers.  I’ll use the thumbprint pad to remortgage my home to purchase my ticket and a Venti (Starbucks has made the use of the word “large” illegal) tub of crunchy Organic Bulgar Wheat Germ and naturally unsweetened Acai berry slushy (since snack food is no longer allowed to be purchased anywhere…thanks Obama!)

I’ll get into my self-driving, electronic, zero emissions car and cruise on over to one of my kid’s houses and try to act surprised that they threw me a party.

***For the record my grandmother didn’t even try to act surprised.  In her mind I’m sure she was thinking, “I’m freakin’ 90 – you’d BETTER have thrown me an epic shindig!”***

I’ll demand the cake first – I’m 90, try and stop me – and then whatever else they made that’s supposed to be good for me…if anyone even hints that I’m not eating right, I’m grabbing another fistful of cake and shoving it into my gaping maw!  I will continue sitting in the corner eating cake hunks like apples until I bellow out a crumb-spewing “PRESENTS!”  I will have dropped hints to strategic family members, so I’ll have a pretty good idea of what I’m getting.  My two sons (who will both be very well off since I forced them into medical schools so that they can share the financial burdens of my retirement years) will be sending me on a trip to Disney World (not the park, the Walt Disney Corporation actually bought the lower east quadrant of the country and renamed it) so that I can see the Rolling Stones in concert (Mick and Keith, still going strong).  My less financially sound friends and family I will expect Bills and Sabres tickets from because, after about 6 losing decades, those tickets should be pretty cheap.

I’ll thank them for the party and go home to curl up in my Snuggie and binge watch Netflix.  They will most likely wait until I’m gone to sigh and roll their eyes because they know, with all of the advancements in medicine and technology, they are going to have to put up with me for many, many more birthdays.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?” ~ Satchel Paige