TOP TEN THINGS FOOTBALL NEEDS TO GET RID OF

If you missed it, B4P live tweeted (twoat?) Super Bowl LII – it was a trip!  Stuff was happening too fast for me to catch everything.  My mind was on overload – what did P!nk just spit out?  How can I make fun of Tom Brady worse than he’s doing to himself?  Does anyone realize that Bill Belichick looks like Zuul?

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But one thing that I kept thinking about the whole time was, the NFL has got too much stuff going on and it’s time to clean house.  So either because of technology, or necessity, or just because it’s plain lame, here are the Top 10 Things in Football That Just Have To GO!

10. Helmet Visors

Okay, this one comes with a bit of a stipulation.  It protects your eyes from UV rays and cuts down on players “losing” the ball in the sun.  Indeed, this is a very useful piece of equipment and has its place in the sport.  But dude…you’re in a dome.

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9. QB Finger Licking

Dear Quarterbacks – you are not what KFC had in mind with the whole “finger lickin’ good” thing.  The ball has been all over the field, touched by God-knows how many people.  You’ve high-fived your whole team and how can you be sure they all washed?  You’ve been sliding on turf that has been sprinkled with blood and sweat and lawn chemicals and feet.  For crying out loud, your hands keep going back to your Center’s butt.  Is licking your hands before you throw the ball your best plan?  This is how you get worms.

8. Pre/In/Post-Game Interviews

What are you going to tell us?  “Coach, what are your thoughts going into this game?”  “Well, we have to stay focused on our offense and keep our defense.”  “Coach, what will you be focusing on as you prepare for the second half?”  “Well, we had a pretty solid first half.  We just need to make sure our defense keeps shutting them down and we keep putting points up on the board with our offense.” “Coach how are you feeling after that upset?” “Well we came here to play and I think we had a solid effort, but they just came out ahead of us today.”

How many ways can you say you want to win and plan on doing that by scoring more points and make the other team score less?  And how many times have we heard “We came here to play”?  Oh, did you?  Well, since it’s the whole purpose of your job, it should probably appear somewhere on your to-do list.

7. Dial-A-Down

You’ve got GIGANTIC Jumbotrons.  You’ve got multiple smaller digital scoreboards surrounding the stadiums.  The quarterbacks have a freaking computers around their wrists.  Do they really need the stick on the sideline to help them count to four?!

6. Water Caddies

These guys play hard and they need to stay hydrated.  I can’t even imagine how much water these guys need to take in over the course of a single game.  I also acknowledge that time is of the essence, so having a staff member run a water bottle out on the field is also necessary.  But isn’t squirting the water into their mouths for them just a wee bit too far?!!  You just got sandwiched between five 300-pound men running at top speed and you got back up without even being winded, but your delicate little digits can’t handle a squeeze bottle?  Suck it up, buttercup, or I’ll kick you in your Turf Toe.

5. Butt Streamer

With all the hand licking and water squirting (this is starting to sound wrong), it’s no wonder players need a towel.  However, does it need to be a tail?!  We’ll look past the fact that they have grass/mud stained clothes (or at least insanely sweaty if they’re on astroturf) but they won’t be caught dead wiping their hands on their pants (Burger grease? Sure wipe it on your pants.  Moist hands?  Oh my land and stars!  What would the neighbors say?).  So, sure, have a towel.  But…

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THIS is not a towel!  This is what happens when you use the bathroom and tuck toilet paper into your pants!

4. Excessive Celebration Penalties

Let them dance!  Where would we be without the Icky Shuffle or the Funky Chicken?!  The end zone dance is a gridiron tradition and to penalize it is unAmerican!  I don’t care if the Bears want to do the entire Super Bowl shuffle when they score a touchdown!  Except dabbing – that should be illegal everywhere.

3. Chains

You can computer-generate a line anywhere on the field that we can see at home.  You have cameras that can zoom in on the last blade of grass the ball touched.  Every nearsighted armchair quarterback can tell the second someone gets a first down.  But there is no technology for the guys on the field to use to replace the dudes with two sticks and a chain?!  You have algorithms for anything and everything you need statistically – but to have a computer tell you, “Yup” or “Nope” on whether a guy passed a certain point is WAY outside the realm of possibility.  And if the chain guys can’t tell with absolute certainty, they call up to the control booth on two cans and a string.

2. Over Zealous Statistitians

1,151 total yards at Super Bowl LII – the most of ANY NFL game!  That’s amazing!  Most Super Bowl losses was a record set by New England (as a Bills fan I say, na-nana-boo-boo) at 5.  There are great stats to know.  However, every so often the announcers will come on with a “Lowest scoring third quarter in November with a left handed Capricorn as coach when it hasn’t been snowing since the new lunar cycle.”  Calm the hell down, Calvin Calculator, if you’re that bored, bring some cross stitching or something.

1. The College Shout-Outs

Every starting player is featured giving their name and telling you where they went to school.  If you’re in your rookie year, okay.  It’s cool to know where you came from.  If you’ve already celebrated your 20 reunion, just stop, you’d be the creepy old guy hanging around campus if you went back now.  And you’d wear your college sweatshirt if you went back there for a visit, wouldn’t you?  Admit it!  They painted over your bathroom stall poetry and none of the current students have a Pulp Fiction or Phish poster on their wall.  If you’re in your 30s, you are no longer “from” that university.  It’s like referring to your 12-year-old as your 144-month-old.  At some point, you need to move on.  You’re an NFL football player, you don’t need to reminisce about your glory days like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.

**Hey – you can never have too many Idiots in your life so I’ve got one more for you!  Go check out the Blue Collar Idiot‘s new blog.  It’s sure to get you laughing and thinking!  If nothing else, it’s better than most newspapers!

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” ~ John Madden

Movin’ On Up

If I ever helped you move, you are important to me.  If I ever helped you move twice, I truly love you – like take a bullet for you kind of love.  If I ever helped you move three times, you’re a LIAR!!  I don’t like anyone that much!  I would choose to do just about anything if it meant I wouldn’t have to move.  It’s the worst.  I swear that Murphy’s Law was named after some old “Murphy Bros. Moving Company” because if it’s possible for things to go wrong on moving day, it will.

Every time I had to move, so many things went wrong.  It all started when I moved to college for the first time – it’s normal to misplace things or even lose things during the transition.  What did I lose during my first move?  My grandfather.  Yup – lost one of the human beings helping me move!  My parents and grandparents came to help me get settled in my first dorm room and good ol’ Pop wanted to know why we didn’t use the elevator to get the big stuff to the top floor where I would be living.  I told him we could, but I wasn’t sure where the elevator was in relation to my room.  I went in to get the key, leaving my family outside with the car and upon my return, I noticed we were one person short.  Everyone thought Pop had followed me…nope.  He wanted to check out the elevator.  Then we hear a knocking from over our heads and there he was, in a corner window on a floor that wasn’t mine, in a part of the building nowhere near the elevator.  He was lost and none of us knew how to navigate the labyrinthine hallways of this place to go retrieve him.  There he was, blankly staring down at us waving like a half-price puppy at a pet store waiting for someone to come take him out of the window.  We took a couple loads up to my dorm before we were able to reunite with him.

Fast forward and pick up my post from yesterday.  We were moving out of our “wildlife sanctuary” and it only took moments before our good friend turned a glass-topped end table upside-down…on the bright side, we had the very first open-topped end table.  And the physics lessons continued – you know when you look at something and it just seems wrong but you can’t put your finger on exactly why?  We loaded up my cousin’s pickup truck with a whole bunch of stuff including my desk chair.  That desk chair just didn’t look right.  It all became clear as the truck accelerated out of the driveway and the top-heavy chair did a backflip out of the truck and skidded and rolled down the highway.

As we unpacked the haphazardly packed boxes, patched up the chair, and shopped for new end tables, we vowed this was the last house we would ever buy.  No more moving.  No more chaos.

We lived there for about a year.  And we were walking our young son around the neighborhood and saw an awesome house for sale a few blocks away.  Lo and behold, we were at it again.  We rented a big moving van this time to eliminate all the the cars and multiple trips.  We naturally had more stuff now that we had been married for a couple years and had a baby.  One of the really cool things we had acquired was this massive armoire.  I’m a bit of a cinephile – I have God knows how many movies – and I had purchased this seven-foot armoire to store my DVDs and, yes, VHS tapes.  This thing was a beast!  My father and father-in-law wrapped it carefully in blankets to protect it on the truck.  They skillfully positioned it in the van and packed soft, but solid boxes around it to create a protective, shock absorbing cocoon around it.  When they arrived at the new house, they gingerly lowered it off of the back of the truck and carried it into the house, placed it on the ground, and stepped away.  Then it collapsed like a house of cards into a dozen pieces.

But you know, you are going to have some bumps (or chairs) in the road with projects like that.  So many things happening all at once, it’s bound to get a little hairy from time to time.  The main thing is that no one had any major mishaps like having a washing machine dropped on them…oh wait, yes I did.

“Buy land, they’re not making it anymore.” ~ Mark Twain