Top Ten (Best of the Worst) SPAM Comments From 2017

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to get this blog up and rolling more professionally (don’t tell the IRS, but I’ve already earned a whopping fifty cents by doing this).  Over the course of 2017 my blog posts received over 6,000 comments…71 of them from my readers.  This tells me two things: ONE – you guys have to make some more comments!  SHOW SOME LOVE, Y’ALL!  And TWO – I really need to take care of the SPAM mail much more frequently.

In cleaning out all of the junk from my comments, I came across some real doozies!  Anything from outward expressions of love and adoration to blatant hatred to invitations to join communities for hair loss medication pyramid schemes.  In any case, if these were sent to me by “real” people, there would be grounds for legal action – however, since these are just SPAM messages, they’re just fun to share with you guys.  I skipped the ones about “Hot Singles In Your Area” or “Male Enhancement Pills” because those are so cliché in the world of SPAM – to make this Top Ten list, they needed a little something special to leave me shaking my head.

WARNING: Some strong language ahead (mostly not my fault).

#10 – From Russia With (Paid) Love

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Most of my SPAM, you’d be proud to know, was created in good ol’ “Murica!”  But I also received quite a few messages from China and Trump’s home office in Russia (sorry, couldn’t resist).  For these posts, I needed to employ my dear friend, Google Translate, to help me see what they were saying to me.

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They collected ALL the prostitutes?  Kind of like Pokemon with the danger of STDs?  Watch out for her “Jigglypuff” you might end up with a “Bulbasaur.”

#9 – What Language Are You Trying to Use?

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Someone somewhere must have done what I did and used a translator which is how they ended up talking about Mr. Trump’s “chiffonier” and not his “cabinet.”  I am still not sure what kamagra is because the link was broken when I tried to get more information on it.  However, the way they just throw it randomly in the middle of the text, I like to imagine it being whispered by some sultry voice in the background like a Calvin Klein perfume advertisement.  Finally, I also wonder, as do most of you, I’m sure, whether or not “the bitch directed at law makers” was indeed “anecdotal” or perhaps something more (Insert dramatic organ stinger: dun dun duuuuuuuunnnn).

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#8 – The Victims Get Enough Help

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Aren’t you sick of all the anti-bullying campaigns?  At what point do the victims start bullying the bullies?  Poor bullies.  With all of this push to empower the targets of bullying, we are in need of more well-trained bullies.  Lucky for us there is the American Bully Training Program – just in case you need to re-up on your Wedgie Certification.

#7 – Why Have I Been Working So Hard?!!

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“Fed up of typing ‘who can write my essay’ in the search bar?”  Boy howdy, am I!  If I had a nickel for every time I had to type that out, I’d have…well…a nickel, because I just wrote it one sentence ago.  But I can tell you, I shall write that phrase NO MORE!!!  From now on I am just going to essayerudite and pay them to do all of my blog posts.  I know I said I wanted to make money doing this and this would require me to spend money instead of doing the writing myself…but think of the minutes of my life I would get back!

Okay, so I’m kidding, but it would be fun to contact them and see if they could handle my subject matter.  “Yes, I was wondering if you had a writer who could give me one thousand words about accidentally dropping a flaming Kleenex on my friend’s cat?  No?  Okay.  What can you guys give me on Reindeer Boobs?

#6 – SPAM Sweet SPAM

Sometimes the SPAM messages were so flattering – I almost accepted them and let them get published on my site.

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Even if sometimes, I didn’t always know what they were talking about…

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But then the lovefest started getting a wee bit creepy…

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I’m sleeping with one eye open from now on.

#5 – Ummm….What?

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#4 – There’s So Much Wrong Here

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Where to begin?!  The guy plunging to his doom?  The dead guy’s girlfriend admitting her apathy toward her late beau?  The hook up with his best friend?  The INSANELY gratuitous ending to that short story which, NO, I am not going to let you read?  Or how about the fact that these folks  are capitalizing on AUTISM!!!  Not cool, man, not cool at all.  Now, as a responsible adult, I can not tell you to contact this upstanding citizen.  But I also forgot to blur out the email address…

#3 – I Kinda Wish I Wasn’t A Man Right Now

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Wow.  Just wow.  Ladies, I officially apologize that people like this exist.  Oh darn it – I forgot to black out that email address too…

#2 – I Seem To Have Upset Him

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Someone REALLY took offense to my post about my “spirit salmon.”  I don’t know if he has a fish allergy or perhaps a popcorn intolerance or maybe it is an extremist branch of PETA who believes no animal should be forced to be a spirit animal.  In any case, this dude seems a wee bit peeved at me.  Now the most interesting part of the message, besides figuring out the seven hundred ways I could be killed by his bare hands (I could only figure out three hundred and eleven – I’d never suggest that a Navy Seal’s pants may or may not be on fire, but he may have exaggerated just a tad), was when I hovered over the link (because, no, I didn’t have the guts to actually click it being worried about his secret network of spies and all).  The preview that popped up was risqué to say the least (NO, I’m not going to show you).

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“This is NOT a dating site!”  Just in case you were unclear that the initial message was NOT a pick up line.

#1 – It Takes A Community

 

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What else is there to say?

 

***DON’T FORGET TO GET SUGGESTIONS FOR THE 40 BY 40 LIST TO US VIA COMMENT, EMAIL, FACEBOOK, OR TWITTER BY THURSDAY***

“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.” ~ Dave Barry

 

The End?

VICTORY!!!  A post per day for every day of Lent!

When this all started, I was just doing it to see if I could.  It has been a dream of mine ever since I was a child to be a writer and I have written a number of different occasions – but always with some sort of purpose in mind.  I never just wrote for the sake of writing.  And the things I wrote, I didn’t really put out there on display – I mean, yeah, I wrote plays and I wanted people to come see the shows, but that was because I wanted them to see the shows, not to say “Hey, look at this, I wrote it!”  You know?

This was the first time I wrote for me and put it out there.  I honestly was scared to death the first time I published this site to my Facebook feed.  I have 952 Facebook friends (yeah, I know, be jealous) – and that is a whole lot of people to throw this out at.  But I knew that I would never keep up with my goal if I didn’t have some form of accountability.  I didn’t expect many people to read it and after my first morning, I logged in and saw 144 people had viewed it over night.

Then people started liking my posts, and commenting, and sharing it on their Facebook feeds encouraging other people to read it.  Then the most astonishing thing started happening – all of those things started happening again with people I have never met from all over the world.  Now when I check my site’s stats, I see this little map.

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I have friends in the U.K., Japan, and Canada – very supportive friends that I care deeply about.  However, I know nobody in India, Ireland, Mexico, or New Zealand.   And look at the U.S.?!!  By tomorrow I will have broken 2500 views!  When I see this, two thoughts come to mind:

#1 – What is wrong with you people?!  Have you already seen everything on Netflix?  Dear Lord, play a board game or something!

#2 – Thank you.  From the bottom of my sometimes cold, shriveled, walnut-sized heart, thank you.

Tonight’s post will be short because I have no real story to tell and because I have two little boys who are hoping the Easter Bunny visits overnight and, as you all know, the Easter Bunny won’t come unless we’re all in bed sleeping.

Which brings me to my final point…well, my final point of the night.

One of the best feelings I’ve gotten from this whole experience was when I started getting messages and comments asking me to not stop writing after Lent.  To know that there are people who look forward to reading my ramblings as much as I look forward to writing them is a feeling I’ve never experienced before.  And it’s awesome.  I’ve had 909 people visit this page (and if you do the math, that means 43 of my Facebook friends haven’t visited and it is my new goal to hunt down each and every one of you and post the Puppy Monkey Baby video on your page everyday until you atone for your sinful neglect).

So, I’ve decided to take this “project” a step further.  I met with my business adviser (yeah, I know, I have a business adviser, be jealous) and my tech support guru (and my wife of course) and the team of us have decided to see how far we can take this thing.  So, over the next week a few things are going to start happening:

  1. bobbingforpopcorn.wordpress.com will cease to exist because we have purchased our own domain and www.bobbingforpopcorn.com will rise like a phoenix from the ashes…which I would imagine would smell like when someone keeps popcorn in the microwave too long and charred bird feathers.
  2. Bobbing for Popcorn will no longer be popping (heh heh, see what I did there?) up on my personal Facebook feed – it will have it’s very own Facebook page.
  3. Bobbing for Popcorn is also going to try to embrace other online doohickies like Instagram and Twitter – so for all of you Grammers and Twits out there, we’re heading your way!

But this is where I need YOU!  The people who have made the past 46 days such an incredible experience.  You’re all part of this team, too and you have to come with us!  So please, stick with me, I’ll tell you where and when to subscribe and follow – I’m not leaving any of you behind!  You guys are awesome!

Stay tuned!

“We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” ~  W. H. Auden