TOP TEN THINGS FOOTBALL NEEDS TO GET RID OF

If you missed it, B4P live tweeted (twoat?) Super Bowl LII – it was a trip!  Stuff was happening too fast for me to catch everything.  My mind was on overload – what did P!nk just spit out?  How can I make fun of Tom Brady worse than he’s doing to himself?  Does anyone realize that Bill Belichick looks like Zuul?

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But one thing that I kept thinking about the whole time was, the NFL has got too much stuff going on and it’s time to clean house.  So either because of technology, or necessity, or just because it’s plain lame, here are the Top 10 Things in Football That Just Have To GO!

10. Helmet Visors

Okay, this one comes with a bit of a stipulation.  It protects your eyes from UV rays and cuts down on players “losing” the ball in the sun.  Indeed, this is a very useful piece of equipment and has its place in the sport.  But dude…you’re in a dome.

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9. QB Finger Licking

Dear Quarterbacks – you are not what KFC had in mind with the whole “finger lickin’ good” thing.  The ball has been all over the field, touched by God-knows how many people.  You’ve high-fived your whole team and how can you be sure they all washed?  You’ve been sliding on turf that has been sprinkled with blood and sweat and lawn chemicals and feet.  For crying out loud, your hands keep going back to your Center’s butt.  Is licking your hands before you throw the ball your best plan?  This is how you get worms.

8. Pre/In/Post-Game Interviews

What are you going to tell us?  “Coach, what are your thoughts going into this game?”  “Well, we have to stay focused on our offense and keep our defense.”  “Coach, what will you be focusing on as you prepare for the second half?”  “Well, we had a pretty solid first half.  We just need to make sure our defense keeps shutting them down and we keep putting points up on the board with our offense.” “Coach how are you feeling after that upset?” “Well we came here to play and I think we had a solid effort, but they just came out ahead of us today.”

How many ways can you say you want to win and plan on doing that by scoring more points and make the other team score less?  And how many times have we heard “We came here to play”?  Oh, did you?  Well, since it’s the whole purpose of your job, it should probably appear somewhere on your to-do list.

7. Dial-A-Down

You’ve got GIGANTIC Jumbotrons.  You’ve got multiple smaller digital scoreboards surrounding the stadiums.  The quarterbacks have a freaking computers around their wrists.  Do they really need the stick on the sideline to help them count to four?!

6. Water Caddies

These guys play hard and they need to stay hydrated.  I can’t even imagine how much water these guys need to take in over the course of a single game.  I also acknowledge that time is of the essence, so having a staff member run a water bottle out on the field is also necessary.  But isn’t squirting the water into their mouths for them just a wee bit too far?!!  You just got sandwiched between five 300-pound men running at top speed and you got back up without even being winded, but your delicate little digits can’t handle a squeeze bottle?  Suck it up, buttercup, or I’ll kick you in your Turf Toe.

5. Butt Streamer

With all the hand licking and water squirting (this is starting to sound wrong), it’s no wonder players need a towel.  However, does it need to be a tail?!  We’ll look past the fact that they have grass/mud stained clothes (or at least insanely sweaty if they’re on astroturf) but they won’t be caught dead wiping their hands on their pants (Burger grease? Sure wipe it on your pants.  Moist hands?  Oh my land and stars!  What would the neighbors say?).  So, sure, have a towel.  But…

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THIS is not a towel!  This is what happens when you use the bathroom and tuck toilet paper into your pants!

4. Excessive Celebration Penalties

Let them dance!  Where would we be without the Icky Shuffle or the Funky Chicken?!  The end zone dance is a gridiron tradition and to penalize it is unAmerican!  I don’t care if the Bears want to do the entire Super Bowl shuffle when they score a touchdown!  Except dabbing – that should be illegal everywhere.

3. Chains

You can computer-generate a line anywhere on the field that we can see at home.  You have cameras that can zoom in on the last blade of grass the ball touched.  Every nearsighted armchair quarterback can tell the second someone gets a first down.  But there is no technology for the guys on the field to use to replace the dudes with two sticks and a chain?!  You have algorithms for anything and everything you need statistically – but to have a computer tell you, “Yup” or “Nope” on whether a guy passed a certain point is WAY outside the realm of possibility.  And if the chain guys can’t tell with absolute certainty, they call up to the control booth on two cans and a string.

2. Over Zealous Statistitians

1,151 total yards at Super Bowl LII – the most of ANY NFL game!  That’s amazing!  Most Super Bowl losses was a record set by New England (as a Bills fan I say, na-nana-boo-boo) at 5.  There are great stats to know.  However, every so often the announcers will come on with a “Lowest scoring third quarter in November with a left handed Capricorn as coach when it hasn’t been snowing since the new lunar cycle.”  Calm the hell down, Calvin Calculator, if you’re that bored, bring some cross stitching or something.

1. The College Shout-Outs

Every starting player is featured giving their name and telling you where they went to school.  If you’re in your rookie year, okay.  It’s cool to know where you came from.  If you’ve already celebrated your 20 reunion, just stop, you’d be the creepy old guy hanging around campus if you went back now.  And you’d wear your college sweatshirt if you went back there for a visit, wouldn’t you?  Admit it!  They painted over your bathroom stall poetry and none of the current students have a Pulp Fiction or Phish poster on their wall.  If you’re in your 30s, you are no longer “from” that university.  It’s like referring to your 12-year-old as your 144-month-old.  At some point, you need to move on.  You’re an NFL football player, you don’t need to reminisce about your glory days like Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.

**Hey – you can never have too many Idiots in your life so I’ve got one more for you!  Go check out the Blue Collar Idiot‘s new blog.  It’s sure to get you laughing and thinking!  If nothing else, it’s better than most newspapers!

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” ~ John Madden

A Bum Knee is Better Than a Kneed Bum

I am hurting today!  I had a really awesome karate class yesterday with hip tosses and flipping your opponent.  SO COOL!  But, today I am paying the price.  My knees are killing me!  Of course, I have earned every bit of this knee pain over the years through gross amounts of stupidity.

It all started back in high school; back when I started having a life outside of my normal activities with my family.  Before I left the house my father’s famous advice for me was, “Don’t get stupid.”  Most nights I would come back in time for curfew and I could walk by my father with my head held high, confident that I had a stupidity-free night.  Other nights, though, I went and got stupid.

One night in particular I got stupid enough to experience a whole new world of pain.  It was at a dance and, incidentally, a first date (boy, would I impress her).  First of all, I cannot dance.  Furthermore, I do not like to dance.  Not my thing.  I mean, I can slow dance decently, but anything upbeat that takes any sort of rhythm – no thanks.  But, this was a high school dance in the 90’s and we had a DJ who had a thing for the Spice Girls and the Macarena and Cotton Eyed Joe and the dances were pretty upbeat most of the time.  Yippee.  Now, just like any high school kid, I had a circle of friends and this circle of friends brought the dumb out of each other.  One of the less-than-wise things we frequently did was to jump up into each other’s arms (like a groom carrying his bride across the threshold).  I don’t know why!  It seemed pretty harmless at the time, but I soon learned that this was an example of what my father warned me about.  My friend jumped and I caught him, then something went wrong.  Allow me to illustrate with letters: my left leg should have been like an “I” when I caught him, but for some reason it was pointed out like a “/” and when both of our full weights landed on it, it made my knee look like “>” and I said, “*&$#!”  I knew right away that my knee was dislocated.

It popped back in before the doctors at the hospital could see it.  So they braced me up, gave me some ibuprofen, patted me on the head, and sent me home (okay, so there were no head pats, but wouldn’t it be nice if that was part of the treatment?) to rest my leg for a while.  The real bummer was, from time to time, that knee would randomly pop out of place and I would be braced up again.  It was still giving me problems in college – it popped out once and I had to drive myself to the medical center (it was a real hoot trying to drive a stick shift with one leg that wasn’t entirely attached the way it should have been) where the campus doctor/nurse/shaman squeezed it (ouch), told me it was dislocated, gave me Tylenol, patted me on the head, and sent me back to my dorm.

Over the years, I learned how to put it back in place myself – yeah, I know, I know, another example of “getting stupid.”  But, in my defense, the first stupid is what wrecked my knee, the second stupid fixed it.  Therefore, two stupids make a smart.  It wasn’t a frequent problem though; it slipped a bit occasionally, but nothing too concerning.

And then came my wedding day…

As stated above, I don’t dance.  I dislike it.  Not my thing.  But it is my wife’s thing and it was our wedding and I was determined to make the most out of every second of that special day (tune in tomorrow for the rest of that tale) and if my wife wanted to dance then, by golly, I would dance.  And I danced with my wife to our song, and I danced with my mom, and I danced with tons of guests for the dollar dance, and, yes, I even danced to the fast stuff and our DJ played all the typical wedding stuff.  For a while, I was actually starting to forget how much I disliked dancing as I busted out my best ChaCha Slide moves…in treadless tuxedo shoes…on a hardwood floor.  The good news is I only slipped with one leg, the bad news is the leg that stayed in place looked like a “<” and the worst news of all…it was the other leg.

That’s it.  No more dancing.  Karate and bodyslams, sure.  But, dancing?  No.  My dad told me not to “get stupid!”

“The Rolling Stones set the bar to where I look to as a band.  But I don’t envision myself touring in the way they do.  My knees won’t hold out.” ~ Jon Bon Jovi