Top Ten Job Opportunities We “Need” Filled Immediately

I just lost a filling.  I’m not surprised seeing as though my last trip to the dentist was far from enjoyable (even by trip-to-dentist standards). It’s going to be a little while before I can get to see my new dentist to fill this gaping hole in my molar, so I ran to the drug store and bought some temporary filling goop (pretty sure that’s the ADA approved term for this stuff). After two attempts that failed miserably, I squatted down and had my wife give it a shot (come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing her wash her hands). It feels okay, but she’s far from a professional. That’s when I got to thinking, THERE’S a job we need someone to come up with and, just like that, this week’s Top Ten Tuesday was born.

10.  In-Home Dentists

If you have a leaking pipe, do you bring it to the plumber?  No!  They come to your house and fix it!  Your dentist has all those crazy tools, but how many of them do they really use on you?  No more than can fit in a tool bag, I would bet.  So when I’m dealing with a lost filling, why do I have to take a day off, go to their office, sit for who knows how long, and then stare at the ceiling while they work?  I should be sitting on my couch waiting for a dentist to show up like the cable company.  Numb me, drill and fill, and charge me for parts and an hour of labor.  I can even watch a baseball game while you work…okay, I’d probably be watching Buffy or something, but baseball just sounded manlier.

9.  Shoe Exchange Stations

I HATE shopping for shoes.  I don’t care about brands.  I want something that 1) fits, 2) is inexpensive, and 3) doesn’t look too stupid. And I don’t want to deal with all the packaging OR the old ratty pair I’m replacing.  Seriously, why do I have to bring these home with me?! They’re the reason I’m buying new shoes to begin with.  So I think we need a place we go and hand them our old shoes and they give us a new pair that’s comparable to the old ones.  You try them on, you pay, you go home.  No left over shoebox or packing tissue.  No goofy “pre-lacing” shoelace patterns to undo and re-lace.  No “new pair” of yardwork shoes to add to the pile of other hole-riddled footwear you keep in the garage. Just a replacement.  Like at a bowling alley except you don’t trade back…and the shoes won’t look like the “franken-cars” that had pieces replaced with stuff from other cars of different colors, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  I don’t judge.  They’re your feet and I’m not Rex Ryan so I couldn’t care less.

8.  Veggie Chopper

You go to the deli counter and there is someone there to cut the cheese (*snicker, snicker*) just the way you like it.  You go to the meat counter and they’ll trim steaks just the way you want them or debone a chicken if you don’t like your chickens boney (*teeheehee*).  You can even go to the seafood department and have them take care of your crabs (I’m not mature enough to do the grocery shopping).  But there is no one in the produce section or farmers markets to prep your produce!  If you are trying to eat healthier, you need more fruits and vegetables.  But it is such a pain to wash and chop everything to cook!  We need someone you can hand things to and say, “I need three Xs and Ys washed and cubed and half a pound of peeled Zs, please.”  I’m sure there are dirty things about the produce section too, but I’m getting kind of tired.  Feel free to leave tasteless produce humor in the comments.

7.  Spam Cleaner

When I check my phone, rarely do I see my email inbox empty.  And when I go to check my messages, most of the time it’s garbage that my Spam filter doesn’t catch.  I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have this problem!  NO, you don’t need to refinance your mortgage!  NO, signing that petition won’t force Walmart to implement a dress code!  NO, “hot local singles” are NOT looking to hook up with you (now, if you’re actually single and so desperate you’re looking for random email for a date you might want to gravitate toward subject lines like “local singles with dramatically lowered expectations would tolerate you”)!  What we need is someone trustworthy who would get a “ding” every time we get a message and would take care of deleting it unless it’s something we ACTUALLY needed to read.  Like the South African banker who will make you millions if you transfer him $1000.

6.  List Marker

Do you know how many more things I could get done on my to-do list if I didn’t have to waste time making my to-do list?  Okay, probably only one…but I just really hate making to-do lists.

5.  Post Filter

We have become a culture of over-sharers.  Not everything we say needs to be said.  Now, I’m not one for all of the “Oh let’s be P.C. about this…” or “Someone might get offended…” – I totally agree that people need some thicker skin and if you see something you disagree with, but it really has no major influence on anyone’s life, just let it go.  However, if you’re starting a post with “I’ll probably lose friends over this, but…” or “I don’t care who gets mad…” or “To all you haters out there…” or “Imma do me an’ if you gotta problem wit dat…” you are about to say something very stupid (and you need serious grammatical help).  It would be money well spent for some people to hire a professional who would get all the posts, status updates, and photos before they get uploaded.  If you’re someone who posts things like “Happy birthday, Mom” or “TGIF” on a regular basis, you’re probably okay (except you probably shouldn’t wish your mother a happy birthday on a regular basis because that most likely means you’re not quite sure when the actual day is).  But if you’re someone who is prone to posting things like “Last night of freedom before I open my daycare.  Who wants to meet me for shots?” or “Me and my Aunt Gertrude.  Miss you, Auntie. #funeralselfie #didntwakeuplikethis” – you should probably hope someone starts a business like this PDQ.

4.  Dog Rental

I have a problem.  I REALLY love dogs but I have REALLY questionable responsibility.  I don’t have the time to devote to a dog, but I want to pet and hug EVERY dog I see going out for walks or sitting on porches.  I don’t want to volunteer at shelters because I also have REALLY bad impulse control issues and judgement, so I would fall in love and adopt EVERY cat and dog in the place.  So I just need someone who would raise dogs and care for them responsibly, but would also rent them out by the hour so I could just play and snuggle with the pooch for a while and then we go back to our separate routines.  I think I just described an escort service…

3.  Impartial Judge

Because I know I’m right and sometimes I just need to be able to call someone and prove it, that’s why!

2.  Common Sense Advisor

Much like the Post Filter, this is someone who would be placed in most places of business whose sole purpose is to look at people and tell them, “No, don’t do that.  That’s dumb.”  When you jam the copier and try to leave it, they stand in the door and say, “You break it, you fix it.”  When someone takes something out of the communal fridge that has someone else’s name on it this person would stare daggers at them until they put the food back.  When the boss has a super important meeting on a topic that is presented on a 5-slide PowerPoint, it is this person’s job to say, “Uh-uh.  That’s not a meeting, that’s an email.”  And if the boss actually DOES have a super important meeting and at the end asks if there any questions and someone raises their hand to ask about something that pertains to NO ONE but them, it is this person’s GOD-GIVEN DUTY to smack that person on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, “NO!”

1.  Coffee/Breakfast Delivery

If you’re home and you don’t want to cook or go out – you order pizza. If you’re at work and you want to order a Friday lunch – you order some subs.  But what if you want an omelette?  Or a donut?  Or how about just a midday pick-me-up cup o’ Joe?  Why can you get lunch and dinner delivered, but you have to go out for breakfast?  Why can pizza places and delis make you a milkshake or bring you a 2 liter, but Starbucks can’t run you over some cappuccino?  “But the coffee will get cold and the eggs will get all rubbery!”  Yeah, I know!  But what do you want me to do about it?!  I’m just a writer – you need to figure it out and bring me some over-easies, rye, and coffee!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ~ Homer Simpson

Top Ten Vows They Left Out

Deciding to share the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal. Especially if you decided not to live together before you got married, as was the case for my wife and me (but, hey, if you decided to live in sin and risk your eternal soul, who am I to judge).  When the big day arrives, everyone knows the vows they have you say: better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, yadda and yadda.  But they really leave a TON of scenarios out of that little exchange, probably just to cut down on time and to keep people from calling off the deal before the cake is even cut.

10.  With Pleasant Tasks  and To Make You Do Things That Suck

Let’s be honest, most of us wouldn’t go to the dentist unless your teeth felt like someone was jackhammering through them.  And what would be preferable: dealing with being sick or taking the nasty, gag-inducing medicine?  I know that I stopped regular dentist visits after I turned 18 until my wife set us up with a family dentist – other than that I was just a “drill and fill” kind of guy (that sounds wrong).  And as for being sick, I figured I would either get better eventually or die.  In either case I could accomplish the end goal without having to take down a shot of neon-colored Benytylochloromoxidopamine!  But when your significant other holds out the little plastic cup and says, “Take it,” you do…and maybe you get an M&M chaser to get the taste out of your mouth afterward.

9. In Exciting Times and When Things Are Boring

I wonder if anyone has ever calculated how much time married couples waste doing mind-numbingly dull things.  The car inspections, the taxes, the appliance shopping, the laundry folding, the paint swatch selectings…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

8.  When You Have Good Ideas and When You Don’t

Hearing things come from my mouth like, “Let’s leave early to avoid traffic,” or my wife saying, “I think my parents should watch the boys so we can clean this house,” you know you’re hearing good ideas.  However, I also say things like, “We don’t need to hire someone, I can fix that.”  And once I heard my wife say, “I’m going to dye my hair red.”  These are times you know we weren’t performing at the top of our game and, lo and behold, our living room is a fog of drywall dust and my wife’s hair is maroon (seriously, it was maroon).  However, I frosted my hair once, so I can’t pick on her too much (but, let’s face it, I looked freakin’ hot).

7.  When You’re Fresh and When You Smell

There are times when you’re “nose blind” to yourself and you haven’t showered in a couple (or eight) days.  It is the job of your partner to A) gently let you know that you are a tad bit gamey (or way past your expiration date) and B) stay with you whenever you inevitably make a return trip to Stanky Town.  This also includes when you’ve worked up a sweat, morning breath, and whatever after-effects occur because of Taco Tuesday.

6.  When All Living Things Are Welcome and When Something Needs to Die

My wife is okay with insects most of the time – she’ll take out a spider or a colony of ants that invade our house as if she was the Terminator.  But if we get a visit from a rodent…I’m instantly tagged in.  I’m usually tagged in very loudly from atop some piece of furniture.  But, when it’s time to go after the little intruder, my cat and I are a vicious duo.  Okay, she’s vicious, I’m worthless.  I usually lose the ones she caught (and I can actually read her mind when she looks at me after I allow one to escape – she can’t hide her disgust for me in her eyes) or I panic and attack the critter in whatever way my reflexes tell me to – I punched a mouse in the face once.  Punched it!  My cat AND THE MOUSE both looked at me like, “Dude!  Let us handle this!”

5. When You Are a Source of Pride and When You Are A Crappy Example of a Human Being

When you say something a teensy bit politically incorrect about the person you didn’t know was standing behind you.  When you wave at fellow motorists…with just one finger.  When you accidentally ruin a stranger’s moment of silence.  When you put embarrassing quips about them in your blog.  It is an unwritten vow that your spouse HAS TO still acknowledge that you’re married.  They can apologize for whatever harm you’ve caused and promise to ground you, but they cannot leave and pretend like they’ve never seen you before no matter how much they want to.

4.  When Dealing With Normal Things and With Inexplicably Gross Things

Let’s face it, the human body is one of the most disgusting things on the planet.  I don’t care if you think your spouse is the most gorgeous specimen ever to grace the face of Earth…they are gross.  Toilets will need to be plunged, air freshener will need to be sprayed, toothpaste globs will need to be wiped up, HUGE FRIGGIN’ FISTFULS OF HAIR WILL NEED TO BE YANKED FROM THE BOWELS OF YOUR HOUSEHOLD PLUMBING!!!! And you HAVE TO do it!  YOU HAVE TO!  The person officiating never mentions it before the whole “kiss the bride” thing, BUT YOU HAVE TO!

3.  When Meals Are Delicious and When the Food Makes You Gag

Now, don’t get me wrong, my wife is an amazing cook and I’m no slouch myself.  But we’ve both been guilty of “experimenting” with a meal and leaving each other with a forced grin and a phony “Mmmmm.” Apparently my wife isn’t a fan of me making her eggs blue (don’t ask – I had no reason to do it).  I however never thought a dish like “dill carrots” needed to be invented…she later agreed.

***On a separate note, because my wife hasn’t yelled at me in a while and I’m a glutton for punishment – I must bring up that she makes amazing homemade apple sauce.  But the recipe calls for a jar of apple sauce.  And I just don’t understand this concept.  If one of the ingredients for what you’re making is, ultimately, what you’re making, isn’t your quest over? A recipe for apple sauce that requires you to open a jar of apple sauce shouldn’t have a Step 2***

2.  When You’re Warm and Comfortable and When the Covers are Stolen

No matter how much you may think otherwise, the fact that your butt is constantly exposed to the freezing winter elements is not grounds for divorce.  However, it works both ways, so yank those covers back over your hypothermiated hiney and hold on for dear life!

1.  When You Are Successfully Navigating Through Your Life and When You Randomly Do Something Irrationally Stupid

There will be times when your partner will need to help you out of situations that you honestly have no reason for being in.  Like, hypothetically speaking, keeping pressure on your bleeding head because you put it through a wooden basket while diving to avoid a sock, or painstakingly using make up to draw in a portion of your eyebrow that you accidentally shaved, or even figuring out a new hairstyle for themselves because you may or may not have cut their bangs diagonally…not that any of those things happened to anyone I know…

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner