On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer! On Nipple!

FAIR WARNING: There is some NSFW information ahead – and NO it’s not my fault (I’m talking to you family members who think MY mind is always in the gutter).

First of all, a BIG shout out to one of our subscribers, Beth, who sent me an article and told me that she’d like to see me address this trend in an upcoming post.

The article comes from Woman’s Day – so we’re talking about a LEGIT publication.  Apparently people are no longer content in settling for ugly Christmas sweaters at the annual parties and they felt the need to up the ante a bit…okay they upped it a lot.  The name of this new trend is a bit on the nose (if you’ll pardon the pun) and it is called…*ahem*…”reindeer boob.”  Prepping for this new trend is pretty much what you think it would be:

  1. Get a festive top.
  2. Cut a hole in the festive top.
  3. Put boob through festive top hole.
  4. Make boob look like a reindeer.
  5. Wait for people to jettison eggnog nasally.

First of all, I have no problem with the “free the nipple” movement – the human body doesn’t make me uncomfortable and if you’re comfortable enough with yourself to pull something like this off, more power to you.  Second, I am not focusing on women because even the article shows examples of how this is a unisex trend (which also makes me think this trend would be way more awkward if Santa travelled via flying elephants – pause a moment and let that sink in).

I am awestruck and shaking my head for both genders of all body types and levels of self confidence.  Bottom line, this is just weird!  You are literally gluing things to some very sensitive skin – I mean it has to be something like a sticker, body tape, or spirit gum, or something like that, right?  I’ve used spirit gum many times ON MY FACE and that hurt like hell coming off.  I also don’t even like to wear a sweater without a t-shirt because it feels all chafey.  So I can’t even begin to imaging gluing things to the nippty-nips!

Some participants cited the convenience for breastfeeding.  Really?  Is it really that inconvenient?  Believe me, again, I support all mothers’ right to breastfeed their children.  I will gladly have words with anyone who shames a mother.  However, if you are already in a place where you are comfortable breastfeeding…do you really need to worry about the convenience of lifting your shirt versus popping off a crocheted nipple beanie?  Don’t use the excuse of feeding your baby to stick googly eyes on your tata.

Look, I get it – the holidays are frustrating and we all need some time to cut loose and go a bit wild.  But just because you’re sick of the Elf on the Shelf you Undressed the Breast?  I’m sure there are a few other steps between sinking into the holiday doldrums and turning one of your body parts into a woodland creature.

For those of you who are interested, here is a link to the Woman’s Day article.  And if anyone ever has something they find interesting that they would like to see brought up on Bobbing For Popcorn, PLEASE feel free to leave a comment on here, or Facebook, or Twitter, or in an email.  We love hearing from you and we’d love to hook you up if we can!

“Well, I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.” ~ Scrooged

 

Major Christmas Confession

Please sit down.

I try my best to keep my blog open for all to enjoy and I honestly hate marginalizing people.  I’m politically an Independent who votes Democrat and Republican on the same ticket.  Religiously, I consider myself polytheistic and follow the beliefs of many different teachings with the core belief being, “Don’t be an ass to other people.”  I like the Beatles and the Stones, coffee and tea, I hate both Coke and Pepsi equally, and am working on getting Webster’s to add my picture next to their definition of passive-aggressive.

However, there comes a time in everyone’s life when they can’t keep the lid on a confession this huge and they acknowledge that they need to start some s#!t – and that time for me is now.

I hate Rudolph.

Not SANTA’S Rudolph, kids (why are kids reading this anyway?  I’m pretty tongue-in-cheek – come on parents, do a better job, geez), but the animated movie, Rudolph.  Moreover – I hate all movies LIKE Rudolph!  Heat Miser, Jack Frost, Easter Bunny is Coming to Town – ALL OF THEM!  The animation creeps me out, the songs and scripts are trite, the random celebrity narrator is a cheap gimmick to gain viewership, and, did I mention, THE ANIMATION CREEPS ME OUT!?  What are they?  Clay, plastic, some ungodly ore mined from the deepest pits of Hell itself?!

Every time I watch Rudolph, it angers me – not to the level of Crocs but pretty close – because of the amount of questions I have and the ridiculous things that just randomly pop up and annoy me.  Is it Hermy or Herby?  Could he get any creepier – if Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs was an elf, he would be Hermby (did you notice the female reindeer’s name?  Clarice.  Coincidence?  Hmmm…).  What the hell is a bumble?  Why do they bounce?  How does it get happier after you rip all of his teeth out – that would totally piss me off more!  Isn’t Santa supposed to be nice – why is he just as mean to Rudolph as the elves and why is he banishing faulty toys?!!  You’re Santa Claus! You have a billion elves! Fix the damn toys! Put round wheels on the train and put water in the water gun! And did you notice most of the misfit toys had nothing wrong with them?  The scooter and the doll are perfectly normal.  A Charlie-in-the-box?!!  Call yourself Jack and move on!  A flying lion and a spotted elephant?  That’s just freaking cool!  A bird that swims and can’t fly?!!  They’re called penguins!

And Yukon Cornelius, where do I even start with this guy?  How about right here:

yukon

That’s just gross.  From the “yahoo,” to the slide whistle, to the gerbil-like licking of a pickaxe accompanied by that stomach turning, lapping sound effect, to the fact that YOU DON’T FIND GOLD six inches under snow, to the fact that this process is repeated throughout the movie like we didn’t get the point the first time this snowdrift simpleton tried it.  And he’s packing heat!  If ever there was a poster child for the need for tighter gun laws, it’s this guy!

To sum up: the songs are annoying, the elves and reindeers are hateful little bigots enabled by Santa, two characters are believed to have fallen to their deaths (as a child, this upset me because I thought they were dead – as an adult, this upsets me because they come back), good dental hygiene is frowned upon whereas being toothless makes you as gentle as a kitten feather, and one of our main protagonists will most likely have a suit made out of other elves’ skins by New Year.

Nope.  I’m sticking to The Muppets.

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” ~ Hermby the Elf