Top Ten Words That Need to Go Away

I’ve received a lot of great feedback from last week’s Top 10 Tuesday – so I guess we’ll make it a regular thing!  So today I was talking with my family and we got on the topic of words that are infecting the English language and need to make their exit from our vernacular!  Now some of these have formed partnerships with other equally ridiculous words, so we do have some combo entries.  In any case, these cringe-worthy words pop up all over the place and if they have crept out of your mouth, hang your head in shame!

10. Staycation

Oh I get it, when you’re on vaCATION, but you’re STAYing at home!  You know what else you can call that?  A vacation.  You know what you call a vacation when you go somewhere? A trip.  Your vacation is no less vacationy if you never leave your house.  So, if you are taking advantage of your much needed time off by playing a game of “reclusive hermit” you go right ahead and take pride in it!  Don’t let anyone cheapen your glorious week-long pajama pants and Netflix marathons.  The only word you need to use to describe this type of vacation is “AWESOME.”

9.  Hi-Def

Now that pretty much all electronic devices have the ability to show things in “Hi-Def” do we need to keep pointing out the fact that things are in Hi-Def?  “Hey, wanna come over and watch football in Hi-Def?”  “This Boogey Nights looks so amazing in Hi-Def!”  “Quick, Sharknado is about to start!  Turn it to the Syfy Hi-Def channel!”  You know what else is in Hi-Def?  Everything.  The world is in brilliant quabillion pixel 3D Hi-Def – from the majestic Niagara Falls right down to the annoyed look I’m giving you every time you needlessly say Hi-Def.

8.  Data

I don’t care if you pronounce it DAY-ta or DAH-ta.  Just stop pronouncing it.  This one is unfortunate because it’s a word that is actually needed and useful and it has been beaten like a Donald Trump piñata with a kick me sign on it.  Data analysis, data plans, unlimited data, data reviews, collecting data, data driven, data based, data, data, data…BARF!  Stop!  Just stop!  Data has been used so much that no one even knows what kind of data you’re even talking about anymore!  Remember that lame saying “That’s my name, don’t wear it out” that annoying kids used to say in school?  Dear God, they were right!  You can wear a word out!

7.  Yummo, Yummers, Delish…

Dammit, Rachael Ray!  Thanks to you these weird synonyms for “tasty” keep popping up.  I’ve never been a big fan of “yummy” but it’s tolerable due to the fact that cute little kids say it.  But the word has an age limit – unless you are a parent and you’re using it with your small child, the word just starts sounding creepy and ridiculous after a certain age.  Picture a 40-year-old man with a deep voice and a lumberjack beard saying, “Thanks Mom, this cake is really yummy.”  It’s just not right.  But then we just make it worse by taking a nonsense word and making it more nonsensical!  Yummo?  Delish?  How can words meant to describe something that taste amazing sound so unappetizing?  “You want some of this pie?  It is de-lish!  Yumm-o!”  Well, I did until about 2 seconds ago, now I’m going to have to pass AND never speak to you again.  There are so many other words – REAL words – to describe something that tastes really good like, oh I don’t know, “this tastes really good.”

6. Vape and e-Cig

It is a great accomplishment if you can quit smoking.  If you need one of those vaporizers to do it – more power to you!  I have a couple good friends who use them and if they want to use them in my house I hope they get the chocolate mint flavor, because that smells pretty darn good!  However, if they use the term “e-cig” or tell me that they need to “vape” their flavored water vapor will be traveling a more southerly route, if you know what I mean!

5.  Cray

When something is crazy, but you need to describe it in a much more incoherent way, this may be the term with which you choose to infect my ears.  Whether you are using “cray cray” in its entirety or sticking with “cray” for the sake of brevity – you’re sounding pretty “stup” (see what I did there?  I just used the first syllable to describe what your one syllable version sounds like).

4.  Bae, Boo, Wifey…

I’m married.  I’m out of the dating scene.  However, let’s pretend for a second that I’m not.  If I was to be dating someone who referred to me as their “bae” or their “boo” it would be time for us to see other people.  “It’s not you, it’s me…no actually it’s you.”  And “wifey” – seriously?!!  Wife isn’t enough of a term?!!  If we had managed to stay together all the way until the wedding, avoiding all the “boos” and “baes,” and my bride-to-be used the word “wifey,” even if it was in her vows (and YOU KNOW someone has done that – probably more than we want to know), I would walk out of the church with my hands in the air swearing off dating (and possibly speaking to people) forever.  It should probably be grounds for instant annulment.

“Wait, you guys got divorced?!  What happened?”

“He called me his ‘wifey.'”

“Oh, well that’s understandable.  I never liked him.”

3. Chillax

Like “staycation” – this is one of those words created by someone who thought they were clever little wordsmiths.  But, like the word they created, they are just so sadly wrong. But, unlike staycation, this combines two words to create a new word that doesn’t mean anything different than each of the words that make it up.

chill: (v – informal) to calm down and relax
relax: (v) to calm down or become less tense

IT’S THE SAME THING!!!  Do you say you’re going to make “dupper” (dinner/supper) after you come back home from your daily “rog” (run/jog)?  NO!!  BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A MORDIOT!!!

2. Jelly

“You’re just mad because you’re jelly.”  Grrrrrrrrr….. No, I’m mad because you felt the need to shorten the word jealous into a word that 1) takes just as long to say, 2) sounds almost exactly the same, and 3) is already a word for something else!  And furthermore, I will NEVER be “jelly” of anyone who uses the word “jelly!”

1. Swag

I’m angry just typing this word.  Every time I hear this word it’s like parading Justin Bieber wearing a pair of crocs in front of me.  Again, like “data,” this used to be a useful word – and then it got dragged down into the depths of verbal asininity (boom – take that wannabe wordsmiths)!  It became like a sneeze to the millennials!

“Hi Mary!”

“Swag.”

“I got new shoes.”

“Swag.”

I’ve even heard adolescents laughing at a joke – legitimately laughing – and say swag in the middle of a chuckle!  “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!  Swag.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!”  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!!

And NOW there are kids who are making fun of the word “swag” and using the word “sweg” as a way of not using “swag” anymore.  HOW IS THAT ANY BETTER?!!  You know how to stop using a word?  STOP USING THE WORD!

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

***But that’s enough from me – feel free to comment and add your own ear assaulting words!  I’d love to hear from you!***

Feel the Burn

I’m not fat.  I can’t be.  All my life I’ve been told that, so it must be true.  Oh sure, I’m something, but it’s not fat.  When I went shopping for school clothes as a child, Mom took me into the “husky boys” section. That went well in school; when other kids (who were wicked jealous of my pleated pants) called me “fat,” I quickly fired back, “I’m not fat, I’m husky.”  That promptly earned me a husky lip.

So, I’m not fat!  I’m husky, or overweight, or plump, or big boned, or extra-healthy, or horizontally tall – I’m anything but fat!  I am dedicating a lot more time and effort to my health lately – not too long ago I had quite the health scare.  I’d tell you about it now, but I could probably stretch that into a couple more blog posts, so you’ll have to wait.  I’m eating much healthier and I recently began working on my black belt in karate; true I’m a white belt, but technically I’m working on my black belt (journey of a thousand miles and whatnot).  However, up until my near death experience (see how I keep making that future blog post sound more enticing?  I’m keeping y’all hooked!) my dietary regiments were pretty much all the same – I’ll live off of Triscuits and air for about a day and half, hit the treadmill once for an obscene amount of time, then treat myself to a carton of Crisco and my favorite spoon.

There was one time in my life when I was in awesome shape – my freshman year of college – right after my super-powered high school metabolism was still engaged and I got in beastly shape to portray a very physical role on stage.  I was eating protein like I had a personal vendetta against all farm animals and I was hitting the gym daily.  I was well on my way to defined abs (not a six-pack, but I had that super sweet line cut down the middle…a two-pack?) and my legs were made of iron; I even won a bet with my buddies when I put up 800 pounds on the leg press…sure I screamed like a 3-year-old girl being chased by a shark and I couldn’t walk for 2 days, but I got twenty bucks so who’s laughing now?!  BOOYAH!

Fast forward to my college graduation and my two-pack turned notoriously B.I.G. (see what I did there?) after my metabolism and I started a relationship akin to that of the Miley Cyrus and virginity.  If there was one thing I learned from being husky, to being in shape, then to being not-fat again is this: Mother Nature is the best friend you can have – if she’s not with you, getting is shape is going to suck!  You hear all these fit folks telling people how important it is to be healthy – “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels” – shut up!  I just fell off the treadmill and I’m a second away from eating you!  The first dude who won “Biggest Loser” dropped over a hundred pounds and then he springboarded right back to where he started!  You know why?  Because just about EVERYTHING tastes better than rice cakes!  He WAS thinner, so he knows how good it feels, and he probably would tell you that nothing tastes good enough to replace that feeling except HIS MOUTH IS FULL!  I’m sure being thin feels great, but getting there sucks like a Hoover vacuum factory!  Health food tastes horrible and exercise does not feel good.  Eating and comfort = bad and gagging and pain = good?  What kind of messed up math is that?!!  And the math is only one-third of the problem with fitness.

Besides the food and the exercise, the math of non-fatness makes no sense at all.  If you want to lose weight, you need to eat less.  But if you eat too much less your body will rebel and you will actually gain weight.  Wait, what?  My body is rejecting being healthy?  It doesn’t WANT me to do this?  I’m mutinying MYSELF?  If you want to lose weight make sure you don’t gain too much muscle because that weighs more than fat.  So if I want to weigh less I need to be more fatty and less muscular?  Isn’t that what I was trying to do originally? “I can’t lose the last 5, 10, 20 pounds because my body has plateaued.  It just got used to what I was doing so I need to push harder.” Hold the phone!  You spent 30 years conforming to your couch and shoveling chips into your head and after 6 months of eating right and working out, your body has gotten used to it?!!  And now you have to eat healthierER and work out moreER?  So your original healthy eating and exercise is your body’s new unhealthy norm?  How busted are you?  Why am I working so hard to go against what my body wants to do naturally?  Everything that the experts say to do gets answered, in one way or another by my body with an, “Oh yeah?  That’s what you think!”  Just because your scale is weeping less every time you step on it does not mean you are looking any better.  Back to the “Biggest Loser” folks – check out those big dudes who are dropping 15-20 pounds a week!  Yeah, sure, their hearts are getting stronger and their blood work will earn them an “Atta boy” from their doctor and a Muppets bandaid on the way out the door.  But their body looks like it’s melting!  Their fat kept everything in place and now their nipples are tucked in their pockets!  How is THAT better?  With their ta-tas hanging down to their stomachs and their navel stretching out, their torso is resembling the mask the killer wore in Scream and their gut looks just as awestruck as the rest of us staring at the Michelin Man doing an end zone dance and crying in his wheat germ because he’s back to using the factory installed holes on his belt!

Wheat germ?  Sounds like something that gives farmers the flu!  Why do the fitness folks tell us, “Don’t eat anything with ingredients you can’t pronounce” but then give us choices of foods we’ve never heard of before?  Have you ever eaten a slice of Ezekiel bread?  I have – although eaten is a misnomer because it gives you the impression that the bread has made it down my throat – and let me tell you, it was an experience.  If I made a sandwich with white bread, I would be consuming multidextrose.  A) I can pronounce MUL-TI-DEX-TROSE and B) being a literate person, I can break the word down and engage my prior knowledge to know that the “trose” has something to do with sugar.  However, Ezekiel bread contains Organically Sprouted Millets.  WHAT THE HELL IS A MILLET?!!  Is that like a small mullet?  It also contains “fresh yeast” – well that’s a relief.  Because you know what happens when yeast becomes NOT fresh, right?  IT MAKES BREAD!  My breakfast included Ezekiel’s multigrain formula, but it also comes in a HEMP variety!  Like WEED!  Like gives you the munchies and causes you to eat more bread!  What a racket.  Every time I hear the name Ezekiel, I automatically think about Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting the Bible verse.  Which is fitting because I kept hoping he would walking in and “lay his vengeance upon me” and bust a cap in me to save me from consuming any more bread!  This Ezekiel bread company has done just about as much good for the Bible as the Westboro Baptist Church.  No kind and loving God had a hand in creating this bread – this is the work of the Devil if I’ve ever seen it!  Charlie Daniels needs to update his song:

The Devil went down to Georgia
And he was looking to make some bread
It’s gonna look real old and taste like mold
And be heavier than lead.
[fiddle solo]

That brings us to exercise.  The only people who enjoy exercise are pathological liars.  People enjoy the RESULTS of exercise, sure…but the process?  My friend put it best, “I have come to this realization – Working out is stupid. It doesn’t make you feel better (just the opposite), and very unlike other things that are enjoyable, I want the session to be over the second I start. You know what feels good, workout freaks? Doughnuts – Preferably from Tim Horton’s, still warm, and covered in chocolate goodness.”  I agree!  Exercise ALWAYS seems like a great idea UNTIL you actually start doing it!  I’m all gung-ho to hit the treadmill for a solid hour until I’ve been walking for about a minute and a half.  I’ve learned that I hate sweating.  I’ve learned no amount of prayer can bend time and make the treadmill clock move faster.  I’ve learned that having blisters would have made Cary Elwes’ character’s decision to hack off his own foot in Saw much easier.  I’ve learned that no matter how much it feels otherwise, I don’t think my heart will actually explode, it will just make me keep wishing for a visit from Samuel L. Jackson.  I’ve learned that exercising until a man’s body is attractive to women will back fire once they approach and find out the top half now smells much like the bottom half.  Most of all, I’ve learned that all of the people who are older than me who say, “back in the day” no one needed to exercise because they HAD to walk everywhere are full of it.  That doesn’t make you profound, it makes you old!  Telling me that “back in the day” people spent more time outside instead of rotting behind their computers typing about nothing important doesn’t…okay, you might have something there.  I’m off to hit the gym, cry in the shower, and then order some Buffalo wings.

“I tried every diet in the book.  I tried some that weren’t in the book.  I tried eating the book.  It tasted better than most of the diets.” ~ Dolly Parton

Let’s Get This Party Started!

Hi!  Wow, so this is blogging…neat.

Well another year has come and gone and I’m sitting here in brand, spanking new 2016.  And, for once, I am going to try some new stuff – listening to other people’s advice and spending more time doing something that I love.

I also tried frog legs for the first time today, but that’s a whole different story.  Didn’t hate them – just had a hard time getting past the fact that, even breaded, you could still make them hop.

But I digress.  For years I have posted my little observations and anecdotes about things that happen to me or around me on Facebook.  I don’t think I have a unique perspective on things or that I’m some sort of gifted artist who sees all the creative potential in everything I observe around me – I think, basically, my mind is slightly warped and I pay closer attention to the weird crap that seems to happen to me!  It also helps that there is no shortage of satirical fodder from the quirky area I live in.  Therefore, I live, I observe, and I report – like a mall security guard without the nifty Segway.

Many people have left comments on my posts that I should write a book or start a blog.  So I did.  And, YES, I’ve started a blog before and, YES, I abandoned it after I created ONE POST and, YES, I can actually hear some of your voices reminding me of that.  But I am a different man than I once was!  This time I am definitely keeping up with this plan!  Guaranteed!  Most likely.  Probably.  Definite possibility…there is a good chance this will be my last entry.

However, I love to write.  So why not make that my New Year’s Resolution?  It’s better than my yearly vow to quit smoking (and for those of you who don’t know me, I don’t smoke – I just don’t want to fail at my resolution, as long as I don’t start, I’m golden).  So that is my goal for 2016 – write more thoughts, create more laughter.

I should probably keep trying to get into better shape, too – deep fried Kermit probably didn’t help with that…

But I digress again – which will most likely be happening A LOT.  But, that’s just how my mind works, which could really make this blogging thing kinda fun!

So here is my official 2016 New Year’s decree: I PROMISE to TRY to update this regularly – even if it’s just to put up a fun little quote – so that I can help lift the spirits and lower the stress of myself and anyone who happens to stumble upon my ramblings.  So help me God.   Forever and ever.  This I swear by the stars.  Amen.

Happy New Year.

“If Heaven exists, to know that there’s laughter that would be a great thing.” ~ Robin Williams