Top Ten (Best of the Worst) SPAM Comments From 2017

One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to get this blog up and rolling more professionally (don’t tell the IRS, but I’ve already earned a whopping fifty cents by doing this).  Over the course of 2017 my blog posts received over 6,000 comments…71 of them from my readers.  This tells me two things: ONE – you guys have to make some more comments!  SHOW SOME LOVE, Y’ALL!  And TWO – I really need to take care of the SPAM mail much more frequently.

In cleaning out all of the junk from my comments, I came across some real doozies!  Anything from outward expressions of love and adoration to blatant hatred to invitations to join communities for hair loss medication pyramid schemes.  In any case, if these were sent to me by “real” people, there would be grounds for legal action – however, since these are just SPAM messages, they’re just fun to share with you guys.  I skipped the ones about “Hot Singles In Your Area” or “Male Enhancement Pills” because those are so cliché in the world of SPAM – to make this Top Ten list, they needed a little something special to leave me shaking my head.

WARNING: Some strong language ahead (mostly not my fault).

#10 – From Russia With (Paid) Love

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Most of my SPAM, you’d be proud to know, was created in good ol’ “Murica!”  But I also received quite a few messages from China and Trump’s home office in Russia (sorry, couldn’t resist).  For these posts, I needed to employ my dear friend, Google Translate, to help me see what they were saying to me.

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They collected ALL the prostitutes?  Kind of like Pokemon with the danger of STDs?  Watch out for her “Jigglypuff” you might end up with a “Bulbasaur.”

#9 – What Language Are You Trying to Use?

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Someone somewhere must have done what I did and used a translator which is how they ended up talking about Mr. Trump’s “chiffonier” and not his “cabinet.”  I am still not sure what kamagra is because the link was broken when I tried to get more information on it.  However, the way they just throw it randomly in the middle of the text, I like to imagine it being whispered by some sultry voice in the background like a Calvin Klein perfume advertisement.  Finally, I also wonder, as do most of you, I’m sure, whether or not “the bitch directed at law makers” was indeed “anecdotal” or perhaps something more (Insert dramatic organ stinger: dun dun duuuuuuuunnnn).

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#8 – The Victims Get Enough Help

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Aren’t you sick of all the anti-bullying campaigns?  At what point do the victims start bullying the bullies?  Poor bullies.  With all of this push to empower the targets of bullying, we are in need of more well-trained bullies.  Lucky for us there is the American Bully Training Program – just in case you need to re-up on your Wedgie Certification.

#7 – Why Have I Been Working So Hard?!!

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“Fed up of typing ‘who can write my essay’ in the search bar?”  Boy howdy, am I!  If I had a nickel for every time I had to type that out, I’d have…well…a nickel, because I just wrote it one sentence ago.  But I can tell you, I shall write that phrase NO MORE!!!  From now on I am just going to essayerudite and pay them to do all of my blog posts.  I know I said I wanted to make money doing this and this would require me to spend money instead of doing the writing myself…but think of the minutes of my life I would get back!

Okay, so I’m kidding, but it would be fun to contact them and see if they could handle my subject matter.  “Yes, I was wondering if you had a writer who could give me one thousand words about accidentally dropping a flaming Kleenex on my friend’s cat?  No?  Okay.  What can you guys give me on Reindeer Boobs?

#6 – SPAM Sweet SPAM

Sometimes the SPAM messages were so flattering – I almost accepted them and let them get published on my site.

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Even if sometimes, I didn’t always know what they were talking about…

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But then the lovefest started getting a wee bit creepy…

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I’m sleeping with one eye open from now on.

#5 – Ummm….What?

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#4 – There’s So Much Wrong Here

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Where to begin?!  The guy plunging to his doom?  The dead guy’s girlfriend admitting her apathy toward her late beau?  The hook up with his best friend?  The INSANELY gratuitous ending to that short story which, NO, I am not going to let you read?  Or how about the fact that these folks  are capitalizing on AUTISM!!!  Not cool, man, not cool at all.  Now, as a responsible adult, I can not tell you to contact this upstanding citizen.  But I also forgot to blur out the email address…

#3 – I Kinda Wish I Wasn’t A Man Right Now

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Wow.  Just wow.  Ladies, I officially apologize that people like this exist.  Oh darn it – I forgot to black out that email address too…

#2 – I Seem To Have Upset Him

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Someone REALLY took offense to my post about my “spirit salmon.”  I don’t know if he has a fish allergy or perhaps a popcorn intolerance or maybe it is an extremist branch of PETA who believes no animal should be forced to be a spirit animal.  In any case, this dude seems a wee bit peeved at me.  Now the most interesting part of the message, besides figuring out the seven hundred ways I could be killed by his bare hands (I could only figure out three hundred and eleven – I’d never suggest that a Navy Seal’s pants may or may not be on fire, but he may have exaggerated just a tad), was when I hovered over the link (because, no, I didn’t have the guts to actually click it being worried about his secret network of spies and all).  The preview that popped up was risqué to say the least (NO, I’m not going to show you).

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“This is NOT a dating site!”  Just in case you were unclear that the initial message was NOT a pick up line.

#1 – It Takes A Community

 

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What else is there to say?

 

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“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.” ~ Dave Barry

 

Top Ten Job Opportunities We “Need” Filled Immediately

I just lost a filling.  I’m not surprised seeing as though my last trip to the dentist was far from enjoyable (even by trip-to-dentist standards). It’s going to be a little while before I can get to see my new dentist to fill this gaping hole in my molar, so I ran to the drug store and bought some temporary filling goop (pretty sure that’s the ADA approved term for this stuff). After two attempts that failed miserably, I squatted down and had my wife give it a shot (come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing her wash her hands). It feels okay, but she’s far from a professional. That’s when I got to thinking, THERE’S a job we need someone to come up with and, just like that, this week’s Top Ten Tuesday was born.

10.  In-Home Dentists

If you have a leaking pipe, do you bring it to the plumber?  No!  They come to your house and fix it!  Your dentist has all those crazy tools, but how many of them do they really use on you?  No more than can fit in a tool bag, I would bet.  So when I’m dealing with a lost filling, why do I have to take a day off, go to their office, sit for who knows how long, and then stare at the ceiling while they work?  I should be sitting on my couch waiting for a dentist to show up like the cable company.  Numb me, drill and fill, and charge me for parts and an hour of labor.  I can even watch a baseball game while you work…okay, I’d probably be watching Buffy or something, but baseball just sounded manlier.

9.  Shoe Exchange Stations

I HATE shopping for shoes.  I don’t care about brands.  I want something that 1) fits, 2) is inexpensive, and 3) doesn’t look too stupid. And I don’t want to deal with all the packaging OR the old ratty pair I’m replacing.  Seriously, why do I have to bring these home with me?! They’re the reason I’m buying new shoes to begin with.  So I think we need a place we go and hand them our old shoes and they give us a new pair that’s comparable to the old ones.  You try them on, you pay, you go home.  No left over shoebox or packing tissue.  No goofy “pre-lacing” shoelace patterns to undo and re-lace.  No “new pair” of yardwork shoes to add to the pile of other hole-riddled footwear you keep in the garage. Just a replacement.  Like at a bowling alley except you don’t trade back…and the shoes won’t look like the “franken-cars” that had pieces replaced with stuff from other cars of different colors, unless you’re into that sort of thing.  I don’t judge.  They’re your feet and I’m not Rex Ryan so I couldn’t care less.

8.  Veggie Chopper

You go to the deli counter and there is someone there to cut the cheese (*snicker, snicker*) just the way you like it.  You go to the meat counter and they’ll trim steaks just the way you want them or debone a chicken if you don’t like your chickens boney (*teeheehee*).  You can even go to the seafood department and have them take care of your crabs (I’m not mature enough to do the grocery shopping).  But there is no one in the produce section or farmers markets to prep your produce!  If you are trying to eat healthier, you need more fruits and vegetables.  But it is such a pain to wash and chop everything to cook!  We need someone you can hand things to and say, “I need three Xs and Ys washed and cubed and half a pound of peeled Zs, please.”  I’m sure there are dirty things about the produce section too, but I’m getting kind of tired.  Feel free to leave tasteless produce humor in the comments.

7.  Spam Cleaner

When I check my phone, rarely do I see my email inbox empty.  And when I go to check my messages, most of the time it’s garbage that my Spam filter doesn’t catch.  I don’t know of anyone who doesn’t have this problem!  NO, you don’t need to refinance your mortgage!  NO, signing that petition won’t force Walmart to implement a dress code!  NO, “hot local singles” are NOT looking to hook up with you (now, if you’re actually single and so desperate you’re looking for random email for a date you might want to gravitate toward subject lines like “local singles with dramatically lowered expectations would tolerate you”)!  What we need is someone trustworthy who would get a “ding” every time we get a message and would take care of deleting it unless it’s something we ACTUALLY needed to read.  Like the South African banker who will make you millions if you transfer him $1000.

6.  List Marker

Do you know how many more things I could get done on my to-do list if I didn’t have to waste time making my to-do list?  Okay, probably only one…but I just really hate making to-do lists.

5.  Post Filter

We have become a culture of over-sharers.  Not everything we say needs to be said.  Now, I’m not one for all of the “Oh let’s be P.C. about this…” or “Someone might get offended…” – I totally agree that people need some thicker skin and if you see something you disagree with, but it really has no major influence on anyone’s life, just let it go.  However, if you’re starting a post with “I’ll probably lose friends over this, but…” or “I don’t care who gets mad…” or “To all you haters out there…” or “Imma do me an’ if you gotta problem wit dat…” you are about to say something very stupid (and you need serious grammatical help).  It would be money well spent for some people to hire a professional who would get all the posts, status updates, and photos before they get uploaded.  If you’re someone who posts things like “Happy birthday, Mom” or “TGIF” on a regular basis, you’re probably okay (except you probably shouldn’t wish your mother a happy birthday on a regular basis because that most likely means you’re not quite sure when the actual day is).  But if you’re someone who is prone to posting things like “Last night of freedom before I open my daycare.  Who wants to meet me for shots?” or “Me and my Aunt Gertrude.  Miss you, Auntie. #funeralselfie #didntwakeuplikethis” – you should probably hope someone starts a business like this PDQ.

4.  Dog Rental

I have a problem.  I REALLY love dogs but I have REALLY questionable responsibility.  I don’t have the time to devote to a dog, but I want to pet and hug EVERY dog I see going out for walks or sitting on porches.  I don’t want to volunteer at shelters because I also have REALLY bad impulse control issues and judgement, so I would fall in love and adopt EVERY cat and dog in the place.  So I just need someone who would raise dogs and care for them responsibly, but would also rent them out by the hour so I could just play and snuggle with the pooch for a while and then we go back to our separate routines.  I think I just described an escort service…

3.  Impartial Judge

Because I know I’m right and sometimes I just need to be able to call someone and prove it, that’s why!

2.  Common Sense Advisor

Much like the Post Filter, this is someone who would be placed in most places of business whose sole purpose is to look at people and tell them, “No, don’t do that.  That’s dumb.”  When you jam the copier and try to leave it, they stand in the door and say, “You break it, you fix it.”  When someone takes something out of the communal fridge that has someone else’s name on it this person would stare daggers at them until they put the food back.  When the boss has a super important meeting on a topic that is presented on a 5-slide PowerPoint, it is this person’s job to say, “Uh-uh.  That’s not a meeting, that’s an email.”  And if the boss actually DOES have a super important meeting and at the end asks if there any questions and someone raises their hand to ask about something that pertains to NO ONE but them, it is this person’s GOD-GIVEN DUTY to smack that person on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say, “NO!”

1.  Coffee/Breakfast Delivery

If you’re home and you don’t want to cook or go out – you order pizza. If you’re at work and you want to order a Friday lunch – you order some subs.  But what if you want an omelette?  Or a donut?  Or how about just a midday pick-me-up cup o’ Joe?  Why can you get lunch and dinner delivered, but you have to go out for breakfast?  Why can pizza places and delis make you a milkshake or bring you a 2 liter, but Starbucks can’t run you over some cappuccino?  “But the coffee will get cold and the eggs will get all rubbery!”  Yeah, I know!  But what do you want me to do about it?!  I’m just a writer – you need to figure it out and bring me some over-easies, rye, and coffee!

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ~ Homer Simpson