One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to get this blog up and rolling more professionally (don’t tell the IRS, but I’ve already earned a whopping fifty cents by doing this). Over the course of 2017 my blog posts received over 6,000 comments…71 of them from my readers. This tells me two things: ONE – you guys have to make some more comments! SHOW SOME LOVE, Y’ALL! And TWO – I really need to take care of the SPAM mail much more frequently.
In cleaning out all of the junk from my comments, I came across some real doozies! Anything from outward expressions of love and adoration to blatant hatred to invitations to join communities for hair loss medication pyramid schemes. In any case, if these were sent to me by “real” people, there would be grounds for legal action – however, since these are just SPAM messages, they’re just fun to share with you guys. I skipped the ones about “Hot Singles In Your Area” or “Male Enhancement Pills” because those are so cliché in the world of SPAM – to make this Top Ten list, they needed a little something special to leave me shaking my head.
WARNING: Some strong language ahead (mostly not my fault).
#10 – From Russia With (Paid) Love
Most of my SPAM, you’d be proud to know, was created in good ol’ “Murica!” But I also received quite a few messages from China and Trump’s home office in Russia (sorry, couldn’t resist). For these posts, I needed to employ my dear friend, Google Translate, to help me see what they were saying to me.
They collected ALL the prostitutes? Kind of like Pokemon with the danger of STDs? Watch out for her “Jigglypuff” you might end up with a “Bulbasaur.”
#9 – What Language Are You Trying to Use?
Someone somewhere must have done what I did and used a translator which is how they ended up talking about Mr. Trump’s “chiffonier” and not his “cabinet.” I am still not sure what kamagra is because the link was broken when I tried to get more information on it. However, the way they just throw it randomly in the middle of the text, I like to imagine it being whispered by some sultry voice in the background like a Calvin Klein perfume advertisement. Finally, I also wonder, as do most of you, I’m sure, whether or not “the bitch directed at law makers” was indeed “anecdotal” or perhaps something more (Insert dramatic organ stinger: dun dun duuuuuuuunnnn).
#8 – The Victims Get Enough Help
Aren’t you sick of all the anti-bullying campaigns? At what point do the victims start bullying the bullies? Poor bullies. With all of this push to empower the targets of bullying, we are in need of more well-trained bullies. Lucky for us there is the American Bully Training Program – just in case you need to re-up on your Wedgie Certification.
#7 – Why Have I Been Working So Hard?!!
“Fed up of typing ‘who can write my essay’ in the search bar?” Boy howdy, am I! If I had a nickel for every time I had to type that out, I’d have…well…a nickel, because I just wrote it one sentence ago. But I can tell you, I shall write that phrase NO MORE!!! From now on I am just going to essayerudite and pay them to do all of my blog posts. I know I said I wanted to make money doing this and this would require me to spend money instead of doing the writing myself…but think of the minutes of my life I would get back!
Okay, so I’m kidding, but it would be fun to contact them and see if they could handle my subject matter. “Yes, I was wondering if you had a writer who could give me one thousand words about accidentally dropping a flaming Kleenex on my friend’s cat? No? Okay. What can you guys give me on Reindeer Boobs?”
#6 – SPAM Sweet SPAM
Sometimes the SPAM messages were so flattering – I almost accepted them and let them get published on my site.
Even if sometimes, I didn’t always know what they were talking about…
But then the lovefest started getting a wee bit creepy…
I’m sleeping with one eye open from now on.
#5 – Ummm….What?
#4 – There’s So Much Wrong Here
Where to begin?! The guy plunging to his doom? The dead guy’s girlfriend admitting her apathy toward her late beau? The hook up with his best friend? The INSANELY gratuitous ending to that short story which, NO, I am not going to let you read? Or how about the fact that these folks are capitalizing on AUTISM!!! Not cool, man, not cool at all. Now, as a responsible adult, I can not tell you to contact this upstanding citizen. But I also forgot to blur out the email address…
#3 – I Kinda Wish I Wasn’t A Man Right Now
Wow. Just wow. Ladies, I officially apologize that people like this exist. Oh darn it – I forgot to black out that email address too…
#2 – I Seem To Have Upset Him
Someone REALLY took offense to my post about my “spirit salmon.” I don’t know if he has a fish allergy or perhaps a popcorn intolerance or maybe it is an extremist branch of PETA who believes no animal should be forced to be a spirit animal. In any case, this dude seems a wee bit peeved at me. Now the most interesting part of the message, besides figuring out the seven hundred ways I could be killed by his bare hands (I could only figure out three hundred and eleven – I’d never suggest that a Navy Seal’s pants may or may not be on fire, but he may have exaggerated just a tad), was when I hovered over the link (because, no, I didn’t have the guts to actually click it being worried about his secret network of spies and all). The preview that popped up was risqué to say the least (NO, I’m not going to show you).
“This is NOT a dating site!” Just in case you were unclear that the initial message was NOT a pick up line.
#1 – It Takes A Community
What else is there to say?
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“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.” ~ Dave Barry